Get the 60 Point

Get the 60 Point

Get the 60 Point

Testing your knowledge of what happened this week
Dec. 9 1998 3:30 AM

Get the 60 Point

 

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"His initiative proposes that British elocution teachers trying to rid their pupils of cockney accents should update 'The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain' to 'The blame for the shame of the name of Pinochet falls mainly on the USA.' "--Nancy Franklin

"It's a cockney rhyming thing. Todger Beaumont becomes 'Todger Who Buggered the Lodger Beaumont,' which is in turn reduced to 'Buggered the Lodger,' and everybody knows that means good old Todger. This will lift spirits and make the wrap party for the House of Lords a lot more fun."--Alfa-Betty Olsen

"I don't know, but is there anyone else out there who feels that a partner attempting to christen a cat 'Little Dorritt' is valid grounds for divorce?"--Jennifer Miller

"Restaurants throughout the entire world should be quick to embrace this palate-pleasing alternative to 'surf and turf.' Jolly good show, Jack Straw!"--Deb Stavin

"Cabinet members' surnames will henceforth describe the contents of their skulls."--Dan Simon

"Cabinet members who fail to propose rhyming initiatives will be publicly ridiculed."--Beth Sherman

"Augusto Pinochet will have a large 'A' sewn to all his lapels."--Winter Miller

"American celebrities get to name the British school to which they will send their children. The schools, of course, simply accept the shame of being singled out in this manner."--Steve Lacey

"Parliament will sell corporate naming rights to Buckingham Palace, the River Thames, and Home Secretary Straw himself. The shame? Rights to the football team in Dorking had already been sold."--Greg Diamond

"This initiative would expose past and present civil servants who did the 'Shaggie Maggie,' sleeping their way to the top during Thatcher's reign."--Brooke Saucier

"It's like the Name Game, except instead of nonsense rhyme, you rhyme your enemy's name with the despised attribute he or she represents, i.e., 'Thatch'rism-Fascism.' Those Brits and their love of meter!"--Carrie Rickey (Deb Stavin and Dan Simon had similar answers.)

"To publicly name solicitors of prostitutes, which seems a tad hypocritical for a nontyping 'home secretary' such as Jack Straw."--Matt Sullivan

"Members of the House of Commons, as well as the British peerage caught engaging in lewd public acts, would find the honorific of their positions--'minister,' 'lord,' and 'sir'--officially changed to 'loo wanker,' 'shirt lifter,' and 'big honking bottom boy,' respectively."--David Rakoff

"It's a raffle in which the winner gets the opportunity to out another member of Tony Blair's Cabinet."--Mark Craven (similarly, Jon Snow)

"It's a new Daily Mail photo feature: Match the octogenarian peer to his most recent bastard child."--Jim "If you've grown tired of abusing British royalty, you've grown tired of life" O'Grady

"Whenever any member of Parliament has done something naughty, that member's mother goes into Parliament and in a loud voice tells everyone the offense. 'That there Tommy Thatcher did not make his bed, left a mess in the sink, and had sex with the dog.' This will work."--Marshall Efron

"Children's name-derived taunts such as 'Bart-Fart,' 'Chester the Molester,' and 'Leslie the Lesbian' would be banned from all but the best public schools."--Eric Fredericksen

"People who work in Britain's porn industry would be required to change their legal name to their stage name. The home secretary recently appeared in a supporting role in a disappointing effort, Haystack Honeys."--John Snell

"Whichever Member of Parliament can name the most songs by the Spice Girls will receive a public rebuke."--Doug Ingram

"As each inheriting peer is stripped of his ermine--or whatever the family fur might be--and expelled from the House of Lords, his particular vice or transgression (alcoholism, incest, bestiality, treason, love of riding to hounds) will be called out, and the life peers will shout, 'Shame! Shame!' "--David Finkle

"An award to the person who has done the most to damage the image of 'Cool Britannia.' The first winner will be Rupert Murdoch, because nobody likes him and he can't vote in British elections anyway."--Randy Heath

"The promise of a meal with a power guest in a trendy London restaurant is used to lure all forms of British social climbers for the inaugural cover photo of Tony Blair's Humiliation Entertainment Weekly."--Michael Connelly

"Publicize the bad habits of all MPs, no matter how minor. Being the head of a progressive government, Blair has limited the most severe punishment of public flogging to closet Kenny G listeners."--Doug Strauss

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Self-Reference Corner

"Readers would scour 'News Quiz' responses looking for the names of those who engage in self-reference and heap shame upon the violators. This would allow readers like myself to self-righteously lord it over them and ... unless this suggestion appears in News Quiz ... Uh-oh."--Steven Davis

Randy Cohen used to write Slate's "News Quiz." His most recent book—oh, like you don't know.