Dead Enough?

Dead Enough?

Dead Enough?

Testing your knowledge of what happened this week
Dec. 4 1998 3:30 AM

Dead Enough?



"Thin the population of Honduran illegals who snatch up all the good housecleaning jobs."--Tim Rogers (Beth Sherman and Matthew Cole had similar answers.)

"Trim down the number of coeds who've applied to pose in Playboy's upcoming 'The Princesses of Princeton.' "--Bill Franzen

"Help the university fight grade inflation by picking off the worst faculty offenders as a warning to others."--P. Mattick

"Eliminate the nerd population, to prevent crossbreeding with the geeks."--Adam Bonin

"Resolve this town-gown thing once and for all."--Jason Potter

"Participate in Princeton's annual Zapruder Film Re-Enactment."--Ogar Lidz

"Improve Princeton class attendance by enforcing a new 'three skips, you're dead' policy."--Randall McElwain

"Win one of those giant stuffed animals for her at the state fair."--Deb Stavin (similarly, Steve Smith)

"Reduce Medicare expenses."--Andrew Cohen

"For perfectly valid reasons of her own, the mayor would like students who correctly answer SAT questions about Silas Marner to be killed."--Jennifer Miller

"Shoot that two-timing bastard she calls 'my husband,' Mr. Marchand."--Jon Hotchkiss

"Kill the nettlesome pilgrims to the Educational Testing Service."--Paul Tullis

"Provide security to the Educational Testing Service."--Leslie Goodman-Malamuth (who doesn't have the Princeton Tiger tattooed on her ass, like George Schultz does, because a) she never attended Princeton, and b) permanent tattoos are forbidden under Jewish law)

"Help Princeton make it to the Final Four."--Brooke Saucier

"Cull the frosh."--Mike Mays (similarly, Bill York and many others; culling Christmas shoppers, Deb Stavin)

"Take out pro-life protesters at abortion clinics. ' "Sometimes murder is the only way to show that murder is wrong," said the mayor.' "--Matt Sullivan

"Pick off the town's abortion docs, as 'even the best' hunters have tended to botch the procedure, resulting in pesky murder prosecutions and the like."--Sarah L. Pheasant

"St. Nick's refusal to pay the New Jersey airport tax this year warrants a sharpshooter plucking his sleigh from the sky if he flies over the state's airspace."--Cyrus Krohn

"Adequately distinguish between deer and Princeton undergrads gamboling nude in the cornfields. On second thought, she stuck with the hunters."--Peter Lerangis

"Fill Princeton's new Charlton Heston Chair in Constitutional Law."--Dan Simon

"Wound students who apply for, but do not receive, a Fulbright scholarship."--Jim O'Grady

"Find her daughter a Furby."--Jack Barth

"Cull the township's burgeoning population of Furbys."--Charlie Glassenberg

"Involuntary eyebrow reduction surgery for Brooke Shields."--Chuck Burbank

"Taste-test the Venison au Buckshot recipe created by the university's culinary institute."--Carrie Rickey

"Defend the president's house from marauding mutants from the Plasma Physics Lab."--Noah Meyerson

"Last-ditch coxswain control. Due to an admissions office error, the Class of 2002 consists almost entirely of preppy 5 foot 3 inch men. With far too few rowing shells to fill, they're running around town getting 'blitzed' on Rolling Rock and 'hurling' on the beloved local deer population."--Steve Bodow

"Thin out the herd of liberal arts grad students threatening to destroy the delicate coffee-cigarette balance of the Princeton ecosystem."--Doug "still bitter I had to settle for Stanford" Strauss

"It was all a silly mix-up about 'academic headhunters.' But on the bright side, all the senior economists east of the Mississippi who specialize in rationalizing gender-based wage inequities have been liquidated."--Greg Diamond

"Lead a group of Fortune magazine execs, who contributed heavily to the Marchand campaign, in their annual Hunt for Human Prey."--Jim O'Grady

"Pick off the animal rights activists so the town can get back to eliminating deer. They're just big rats; big tree-eating, plague-carrying rats of the forest, and it's time to put down the Bambi videos and get back to our responsibility as the top carnivore, which means killing and eating. Or reintroducing wolves, whichever makes recess more fun for the kiddies."--Kate Wing (similarly febrile, Carrie Rickie)

"Do we really care who or what is about to get thinned out over there? They're breathing too much of our air already."--Brian Danenberg

Self-Reference Corner

"Put Deb Stavin out of her misery."--Larry Schnur


"I don' know too much about no Princeton problems, cuz I ain't had much book-learnin'. But I do know that if you've been looking for an anagram of Slate 'News Quiz,' it's 'SEQUIN WALTZES.' "--Andy Aaron

Randy Cohen used to write Slate's "News Quiz." His most recent book—oh, like you don't know.