"Rich Boy Able To Afford Half-Liter of Gasoline a Day."--Alex Balk

"Bombs Burst in Air--Flag Still There: Youths killed in tragic re-enactment of American national anthem."--Andrew Staples

"Local Teen Axed From Yeltsin Reanimation Team."--Beth Sherman

"Adam Sandler's Secret Past: How a young comedian grew up in Russia, perfecting his vast mental powers to control the minds of millions of hapless American moviegoers."--Doug Ingram

"Skinny Russian Teen Threatens Self-Immolation Unless Calvin Klein Hires Him as a Model."--Deb Stavin

"Yeltsin Nominates Next Prime Minister."--Brooke Saucier

"Adjectives Formerly Used To Describe Animals' Ears Now Applied to Human Hair, Study Finds."--Paul Tullis

"Yeltsin's Lover in Teen Tantrum."--Larry Amaros

"Drink, Granny, Drink!"--Dennis Cass

"Thousands Throng St. Petersburg Dacha To Hear Old Fyodor's Star Wars: Episode I."--Fred Graver

"Princess Diana Alive and Well and Living in St. Petersburg! (Doesn't have anything to do with the story, but the paper's got to move copies, doesn't it?)"--Tim Carvell

"Metric System Still Tool of Satan."--Brian Danenberg

"Russian Oil Cartel in Planning Stages."--D. Buckser

"Candidates for Heart, Liver, Kidney, and Lung Harvesting by President Yeltsin Narrowed to Three."--Steven Miller

"Boy Tycoon Makes Billions in Gasoline-for-Nuclear-Weapons Trading."--Keith Bockus

"Area Boy Sounds Normal Except for One Fact."--Sally Shults

"More Teens Pouring Gas Into Wheaties, Hoping To Become Like American Auto Racer Jeff Gordon."--Matt Sullivan

"What's Happening: Russian sitcom season debuts tonight."--Peter Lerangis

"Another Poignant Tragedy That No One in All Russia Could Have Predicted or Prevented Shows How, Once Again, It's Time To Blame the Jews."--Jim O'Grady

"Russian Boy Gets Gas! (Proving that age old adage: No matter where you go, or what you read, everyone loves a good fart joke.)"--Jon Hotchkiss

"Historyless Russ Teens Think Molotov Cocktail Something To Drink."--S.M. Harris (Greg Diamond had a similar answer.)

"Yeltsin Delusion of the Week: President Thinks He's 'Sasha.' "--Ted Chastain

"Cheesy Human Interest Journalism Invades Once Serious Russian Press."--Dan Simon (similarly, Jennifer Miller)

"Poor Russian Teens Must Substitute Gasoline for Vaseline."--Joydip Kundu

"Household Tips: Stretch scrawny children by saving bones for stock."--James Poniewozik

"Fire-Eating Teen Beats Crisis, Earns Four Times Minimum Wage."--Roger Toll

"Russian Teens: New market for Exxobile's tiger."--Gary Frazier

"Red Said, 'No Lead,' Needs Fed."--Molly Shearer Gabel

"Russki Youthski Blew a Fuseski; Thought That Gas Was Newski Brewski."--Ellen Macleay

"Grown-Up Furby Torches House, Kills Two."--Nell Scovell

"Local Boy Finds Substitute for Vodka."--Alfa-Betty Olsen

"Local Boy Gets Job as Yeltsin's Personal Bartender."--Danny Spiegel (similarly, Andrew W. Cohen, Aaron Schatz, and Chris Thomas)

"Youth Fails in Salad Dressing Business: 'Sasha's Own' too dangerous for candlelight diners."--Marshall Efron

"Light My Fire: Self-Immolation Fad Sweeps Russian Youth Culture."--Steve Smith (similarly, Charlie Glassenberg)

"How about 'Drugs Hit Hard in Well-Placed City'? Whatever the hell that means."--John Kenyon

Self-Reference Corner

"Online Jokesters Meet in All Three Dimensions."--Daniel Radosh