Buff, Buffer, Buffest

Buff, Buffer, Buffest

Buff, Buffer, Buffest

Testing your knowledge of what happened this week
Dec. 12 1998 3:30 AM

Buff, Buffer, Buffest



"She doesn't really have tickets. The excuse about the horse is something she came up with on the spur of the moment because she doesn't want her high-society friends to know that she was unable to get tickets. A similar thing happened on Frasier a few weeks ago. It wasn't very funny then either."--Daniel Radosh

"The free 'pony rides' at Bill Gates' house turned out to feature virtual ponies bundled with the beta version of Windows 99."--Noah Meyerson

"She and the horse broke up ugly three months ago."--Jim O'Grady

"She's finally managed to break free of the mind-control spell of Adam Sandler. 'Hapless Americans!' she screamed. 'Why can't they see?' "--Doug Ingram

"As a PETA member, she is concerned that events at the 'Tofu Rodeo' are not what they seem."--Aaron Schatz

"Marina would really rather not see Tara Lipinski in National Velvet on Ice."--Susan Burton

"It turns out that proceeds from Jesse Ventura's annual "kick the crèche" fund-raiser are not going to battered women after all."--Winter Miller

"Front-row seats to the Pavarotti recital don't seem like such a good idea now that the temperature is in the 90s."--Andrew Silow-Carroll

"She's objecting to understudy Marilyn Manson's debut in Christmas From the Heart."--Beth Sherman

"Who cares? Are they decent seats? Do you think she'd sell her tickets at face value?"--Deb Stavin

"Because the Castro revolution supposedly ended this sort of thing."--Matthew Singer

"She has tickets to Live Regis and Kathie Lee but won't cross the NABET picket line outside ABC. The horse is part of Gifford's Christmas act, as is her son and the 400 Honduran refugees who miraculously sewed 17 plus-size Kathie Lee originals into a Palomino-shaped Santa costume, a Jesus costume for Cody, and Yule Gypsy Rose Lee, astride the horse, for Kathie."--Barbara Lippert

"She learned that they will not be showing the Star Wars: Episode One trailer before performances of the annual Christmas pageant at the Greater Pittsfield Community Arts Center."--Charlie Glassenberg

"Marina thought she was bringing her kids to see childhood favorite Ricky Schroeder in a family musical. Turns out, it's 'Rick' Schroeder, and the musical is Hair."--Adam Bonin

"Solidarity with the Actors' Equity protest against hiring practices at Radio City Music Hall. 'Our members did a fine job in Equus,' explained a spokesperson, 'and they keep the stage clean.' "--Peter Lerangis

"Who wants to see a stage version of The Godfather, with its much-hyped 'Actual Vivisection!'?"--Nell Scovell (I.C. Graham had a similar answer. Plus, kicking Livent when it's down and under a pseudonym: Happy Jack)

"Because the Augean stables are too big a housekeeping job and not as entertaining as The Lion King."--Carrie Rickey

"She has tickets to the Jerry Springer show 'You Married a What?!' "--Doug Strauss

"I don't know, but when I did a Web search for her name, I came up with a site featuring photos of naked women from the 1920s. Thanks, 'News Quiz!' "--Greg Narver

"Marina was willing to see Corpus Christi when Jesus was just gay. But playwright Terrence McNally, in an effort to boost poor attendance, has added three leather nuns and a 'butch-bottom' horse; Marina thought that was over the line."--Andrew Solovay

"If you've seen one $6,000,000 diamond-studded wedding dress, you've seen them all. And who wants to see a horse choking on a solitaire?"--Molly Shearer Gabel

"At the last minute, the Mr. Ed Talking Horse Sex Show didn't seem like such a good idea, after all."--Steve Lyle (similarly, but with songs, Brooke Saucier)

"Torn between her PETA membership and her love of spaghetti westerns, Marina concludes not even Sergio Leone could make A Fistful of Dollars work on the stage."--Jason Potter

"The idea of a musical about the life of Catherine the Great offends her."--Alex Balk (similarly, T. Liebler, Tim Carvell; plus, referring to Marilyn Manson, Ted Chastain)

"She's afraid Andrew Lloyd Webber's latest production, Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Thoroughbred, Presented by Livent in What Could Be Its Last Show, will be too much like Cats."--Christopher Clark

"Marina came in a horse costume and will not be upstaged. She's a professional."--Richard Primoff

"Marina got squeamish about really finding out How Alpo Is Made."--Matthew Singer

"Because of the narrow-mindedness of the California electorate, St. Xavier's annual charity dinner-theater Christmas pageant this year was forced to serve Morningstar Farms' soy-based 'Whinnyburgers' in lieu of real horse meat."--James Poniewozik

"It's the James Carville book party, and she ranks her loyalty to PETA over her loyalty to the Democrats."--Norman Oder

"She just discovered that Shakespeare was not a member of PETA, despite her freshman English professor's arguments to the contrary. (Anyone who would give up a kingdom for that horse is surely coming to grips with his own speciesism!)"--Ananda Gupta

" 'Cuz she has a shitty attitude."--Larry Amaros

"Marina has tickets to the ballet and was once scared by a horse. Ms. Di Meana is a bit literal in following Degas' description of ballerinas 'sweating like horses during the interval.' "--Steven Davis

"Marina's been through the desert on a horse with no name, and she's damned if she's going to pay to (maybe) see another horse, even if it does feel good to get out of the rain."--Juris Odins

"It's obvious. Halfway through the third tedious vignette, Nicole Kidman screws it. (Hey, kids, those rumors about her being naked are only half the shonda.)"--Jon Hotchkiss

"The supposed animal cruelty to the Broncos' equine mascot is just a cover. Marina simply doesn't want to see her beloved Giants destroyed by undefeated Denver next Sunday at the Meadowlands."--Jim Arbogast


Self-Reference Corner

"This is just too easy. (Well, it worked for Brad Stroh yesterday.)"--Greg Diamond

Randy Cohen used to write Slate's "News Quiz." His most recent book—oh, like you don't know.