By Randy Cohen
A family photo, the single word "Noel," a naked babe draped in colored lights sipping champagne--there are many styles of holiday card, and now's the time to mail them. You are invited to describe the Christmas card sure to be sent by a corporation, world leader, or other personage.
by 5 a.m. ET Sunday to e-mail your answer to email@example.com.
Responses to Tuesday's question (No. 147)--"Australia; Convicts; George III?":
"This seems like the perfect place to release them." Where? What? Says who?
"Monticello; my last remaining slaves; says Strom Thurmond."--Alex Balk (Tim Carvell had a similar answer.)
"New Mexico; D.H. Lawrence's oversexed girlfriends; says Frieda."--Chris Kelly
"The New York Times op-ed page; tedious narcissistic ramblings; says Maureen Dowd."--Jennifer Miller
"Netscape NetCenter; our constant busy signals; says Steve Case."--Steven Levy
"A chartered DC-9 at 35,000 feet; dozens of turkeys rescued from a poultry farm; says PETA activist Christie Brinkley. ('Fly! Go free!' she said as fellow activists looked on in horror.)"--Tim Carvell
Click for more responses.
Comedy attacks. It is difficult to be amusing in praise of something. But risking holiday sentimentality (with the ready-made excuse that it's just the chestnut stuffing talking), I'd like to mention some things I'm thankful for, like Tim Carvell's two (!) responses involving pushing people or poultry out of airplanes; Jennifer Miller's two (!) bits of self-revelation about her dark and ferocious inner life and apartment; Larry Amaros' determination that the Olsen twins wander parched and frightened, not merely in the Serengeti but during the dry season. It's this kind of pathological attention to detail that makes American industry the envy of the more materialistic parts of the world, and "News Quiz" such a pleasure to work on. Thank you all very much. (Especially the people whose feelings I've hurt by not mentioning your names here. I'm sorry. If this were a TV show, I could run a long list of thank-yous that you'd ignore on your way to the kitchen for another beer. And I'd be getting some fat residual payments, that great Writers Guild health insurance, and jeez, just the weekly paychecks would be terrific. I never should have taken that swing at Brooke Shields.) Happy Halloween, everybody.
The Feminization of Culture Answer
Oxygen Media, a new cable network for women; hundreds of reruns of the Oprah Winfrey Show; says Oprah Winfrey.
The channel being created by former Nickelodeon president Geraldine Laybourne, Marcy Carsey of Carsey-Werner-Mandabach, and Oprah Winfrey will "superserve women," says Laybourne. While most of the programming will be original, there will be plenty of room for reruns of Carsey-Werner shows, including Cybil and Grace Under Fire, said Carsey. That's superservice.
Parade of Fun Extra
Which of these is a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float from a proud corporate sponsor kids love, and which is one of the New York Public Interest Research Group's 20 Most Dangerous Toys?
Toy or Float?
1. Mr. Peanut's Circus
2. Hasbro's Teletubby Po
3. Folgers Coffee's Rip Van Winkle Wakin' Up
4. Mattel's Baby Dil's World
5. Bell Atlantic's Maurice Sendak's Wild Thing
6. Playskool's Talking Pay Phone
7. Ocean Spray Cranberries Inc.'s Peter Pan's Pirate Ship
8. Hanes Hosiery's Party Time!
9. Unique's Flying Propellers
1. Float--and you know what kids love with those salted nuts? Mr. Beer.
2. Dangerous toy--vinyl face made with phthalates, cause of liver cancer in laboratory mice.
3. Float--celebrating kids' willingness to settle for instant coffee?
4. Dangerous toy--pieces could cause choking.
5. Float--kids are thankful for reliable local phone service.
6. Dangerous toy--plastic coins can lodge in child's throat.
7. Float--kids wave bye-bye to urinary tract infections.
8. Float--we gather together to count the Lord's pantyhose.
9. Dangerous toy--but not nearly as dangerous as rusty flying propellers coated with broken glass.
10. Actual part of parade, listed as a "celebrity character for kids."
Disclaimer: All submissions will become the property of Slate and will be published at Slate's discretion. Slate may publish your name on its site in connection with your submission.