Useless

Useless

Useless

Testing your knowledge of what happened this week
Oct. 10 1998 3:30 AM

Useless

 

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"Imelda Marcos, on hearing that her favorite shoe store had repaired its self-service X-ray machine, in which you can see how well your feet fit into your shoes."--Juris Odens

"Claus von Bulow. Does it matter what the charges were?"--Adam Bonin

"Anonymous Russian toiler, standing on line to exchange stock certificates for bread."--Norman Oder

"Laura Ingraham said it, referring to how whoever she talks to on MSNBC gives up if she whines loud enough."--Bill Franzen

"Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell, discussing representative democracy while cashing a $1 million check from Brown & Williamson."--Chris Thomas

"The ghost of Alfred Nobel, on the committee's decision not to award the literature prize to another crass, old Italian commie."--Ananda Gupta

"Ken Starr, successfully overcoming an initial crash at www.allnude.com."--Alex Balk

"Bill Clinton, upon awakening from a nightmare in which he was 75 and had to pee 25 times a day."--Daniel Radosh

"A.S. Byatt, pleased to find her favorite Judy Blume book, Tiger Eyes, also meets her exacting criteria for the Modern Library's top 100 novels list."--Jennifer Miller

"TV executives, thrilled that the network assembly line had managed to once more produce one truly godawful show--The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer--that would deflect criticism and attention away from their merely mediocre offerings. Later in the day, the executives piled their sins atop The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer and sent it out into the desert to die."--Tim Carvell

"The Hollywood branch of the NAACP, presumptively assuming that Desmond Pfeiffer will be replaced by a show with positive images of African-Americans, like In Living Color."--Norman Oder

"My diarrheic cat about the human slaves who daily change the litter. Of course, she expressed her gratitude in the adorable tropes of a cat's symbolic language: disfiguring the couch before doing nothing for 18 hours."--Jim O'Grady

"Dick Armey, leaving the Capitol Hill South Mail Boxes Etc., after picking up his 'Horny Frat Boys Video of the Month' package addressed to Mr. John Doe. 'Tom DeLay told me that they never check the addressee's name against the renter's!' "--Doug Strauss

"Tom DeLay, hearing that Geraldo Rivera was deported for airing mildly pro-Clinton opinions on his CNBC program. 'The INS and FCC came through on my complaint!' he exclaimed."--Gary Frazier

"Jack Welch, CEO of General Electric. He was speaking of GE being granted permanent rights to 'do pretty much whatever the hell we want whenever the hell we want to whomever the hell we want.' Welch and several associates then burned a small upstate New York town to the ground."--Floyd Elliot

"The Bizarro Al Sharpton said this, over yet another case of 'black robes, black justice.' "--Matt Sullivan

"Statement from major league baseball umpires, after home plate ump Ted Hendry doubled the size of the strike zone for a whole game and first base ump John Shulock gave Cleveland the game with a crummy call at first base. 'As we always say, the best umpire is the one whose picture appears in the paper the next day.' "--Christopher Clark

"Carolina Panthers quarterback Steve Beuerlein, who despite being 97 years old will get his chance to start another NFL game this Sunday because incumbent quarterback Kerry Collins is apparently too obsessed with Flytrap to concentrate on playing football and has sat himself down."--Aaron Schatz

"Professional sorcerers hailed the continued effectiveness of the curses on the Red Sox and Cubs."--Charlie Glassenberg

"Trent Lott, after successfully suing Ex-Gay Ministries for clerical malpractice. 'They told me my feelings for Dick Armey were sick and twisted, and for years I believed them. Thanks to the great lawyers at the Lesbian and Gay Legal Defense Fund, the American Civil Liberties Union, the National Organization for Women, and the Freedom From Religion Foundation, those bigoted trolls are singing another tune today!' "--Katha Pollitt

"Jack Valenti, president of the Motion Picture Association of America, gleefully noting that Courtney Cox and David Arquette are now engaged. 'Our industry's plan to match up gorgeous women and nebbishy guys--thereby giving hope to geeks everywhere and preserving the magic of the movies--proceeds apace,' Valenti gloated."--Tim Carvell

"Gates finally bought that Mac?"--Peter Lerangis

"Me, after de-installing Windows 98."--Jonathan E. Snow

"A New York City commuter, who arrived to work via the No. 2 subway only nine minutes late."--Jon Delfin

"Slate's network administrator, referring to the chronically buggy Microsoft code that runs its computers."--Leon Hsu

"Imelda Marcos about her mechanized shoe carousel, which delivered the pair of maribou mules she thought she'd misplaced."--David Finkle

"Darryl Strawberry after his colon operation."--Marshall Efron

"Bob Barr exiting the Capitol Hill men's lavatory."--Charlie Smith (Russ Evansen had a similarly digestive answer.)

"Strom Thurmond's Social Security check arrived on time."--Leslie Goodman-Malamuth

" 'News Quiz' favorite Strom Thurmond giving a testimonial to the U.S. Bran and Roughage Board."--John Snell

"Milton Berle, remarking on a long-awaited bowel movement. (I apologize to Kate Wing in advance.)"--Tim Carvell

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"Tim Carvell, on once again getting an answer on the front page of News Quiz."--Matthew Cole

Randy Cohen used to write Slate's "News Quiz." His most recent book—oh, like you don't know.