“Hate blacks and Jews alike. So far, we’re right on course. (P.S.: Thanks to those of you who watched Buddy Faro Friday night. It’s with your help and support that we managed to tie for third in the overnights–losing, for the fourth consecutive week, to Sabrina. Ouch.)–Jon Hotchkiss“Rid ourselves of elite, Eastern establishment Harvard men, Jews, and homosexuals. How did that work out? Two words: Buddy Faro.”–Barbara Lippert“I could pussyfoot around this, Randy, but the answer is ‘rot in hell.’ “–Chris Kelly“Discover why Trisha and Julie actually have normal-looking noses and foreheads.”–Meg Wolitzer (Larry Amaros had a similar answer, only even crueler.)“Eat all our meals in the car.”–Richard Primoff“Bomb the shit out of the Japanese. (It was explained to Nixon that that was precisely what the Manhattan Project did. ‘Oh,’ he said. ‘Well, then let’s figure out how to bomb the shit out of Cambodia.’)”–Tim Carvell“Attach the suffix ‘gate’ to every little problem a president runs into.”–Brian Rosman (similarly, Ben Von)“To make a perfect Manhattan for Henry and me. Secret to making it work? A touch of that maraschino juice. Yum.”–Kate Clinton“Torque important impeachment legislation to the extent that we can halt government activity over a blow job.”–David Rakoff” ‘Reinvigorate our presidency as a symbol of sexual power, potency, and prowess.’ It has been a rousing success.”–Charlie Glassenberg“Pop a pill and have a hard-on in 20 minutes, 30 minutes, tops.”–Tim Carvell“Export our own American brand of power pop around the globe. ‘Good evening, Budokan, we are Cheap Trick!’ “–Adam Bonin“Produce Hollywood action movies that baffle credulity and crowd out indigenous offerings in every country of the world. Worked perfectly.”–Norman Oder“Develop a fuel-efficient Brinks truck for oil companies that need them for the economical transport of obscene profits. It worked out great, coming in particularly handy during the Gulf War.”–Barry “Mass Transit Not Mass Murder” Crimmins“Convince every automobile manufacturer to develop a massive sport utility vehicle.”–David Ballard“Design and build American cars so badly that consumers will have no choice but to run screaming into the arms of the Japanese. How did it work out? Extremely well, but not well enough to prevent my parents from buying the 1980 Chevy Citation that I ended up driving in high school.”–Doug Strauss“To be, easily, the world leader in Nerf technology. That means you, Denmark! And as far as how the Manhattan Project worked out? Those bitchin’ flat-screen televisons we’re all about 30 seconds from hanging ain’t exactly solar powered. To the victor goes the spoils. Yeah. (That means you, Australia!)”–Zev Borow“End life as we know it when those newfangled computers melt down because I recommended using only two digits to signify the year.”–Judith Spencer“Raise the dead. Successful, though they have proved to be just as useless as the rest of us.”–Dennis Cass“Disco. Unfortunately for Dicky, the large-collared shirts gave him a nasty rash on his jowls.”–Brooke Saucier“Eradicate disco.”–Keith Moyer“To say, ‘Nixon? Agnew?’ Just what the hell were we thinking?”–Chuck Lawhorn“Destroy presidents. If American physicists could build bombs to destroy the world, surely American journalists could destroy world leaders. Unfortunately for Nixon, he was their first victim. We’ll know in a few months if they can repeat the feat.”–Joydip Kundu“Put Henry Kissinger in permanent Earth orbit. Didn’t work out too well: Only Sens. Jake Garn and John Glenn have been or will be lofted.”–Juris Odins“Send John Glenn to Mars. I think he went. I don’t remember the details, but then there was something bad about Martian Savings and Loans, and everybody agreed to pretend it never happened.”–Mike Mays“Run cowering out of Vietnam like a whipped dog. Worked out great, ahead of schedule!”–Tom McDonald“Make a powder that will simulate orange juice. Tang, anyone?”–Paul Hayes” ‘Manufacture smart guns.’ And, hey, why not have Charlton Heston as national trigger man? Although it took nearly two decades longer than Nixon hoped to achieve that goal, the United States leads the world in handgun-related deaths.”–Carrie Rickey“Stare at electronic screens for at least 11 hours a day. Every day. Each and every citizen of this country.”–Jim O’Grady” ‘Be a nation where everyone can turn his television on and off and adjust the picture and sound without having to get up from the sofa. I know the idea seems remote now, so I’m calling the new program “America on Remote.” We can do it if we all pull together.’ It worked and now we are all on remote. God bless Dick.”–Marshall EfronSelf-Reference Corner
“Create a new medium, made of ether, in which Strom Thurmond’s ass can be referenced with impunity.”–Jack Hitt
“See the publication of Watchers, a new kids’ book series that won’t make you weep for your children’s future! The first two installments on sale now!!! I mean NOW!!!! (RC: Cash flow bad. Hotchkiss says postdated checks OK. True?)”–Peter Lerangis
