Let 'Em Write About, Sing to, Dance on, and Eat Cake

Let 'Em Write About, Sing to, Dance on, and Eat Cake

Let 'Em Write About, Sing to, Dance on, and Eat Cake

Testing your knowledge of what happened this week
Oct. 30 1998 3:30 AM

Let 'Em Write About, Sing to, Dance on, and Eat Cake

 

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"Tasered Grace Slick's third chakra. Wait--that's 'transcendent pain.' Oh well, I'm sure it was still fun."--Dennis Cass

"Hiked up the panties of the plaintiff, which forced his already tight 'tape-back job' further up his--oh, wait a minute ... I thought you said, 'transvestite pain.' "--Doug Strauss

"When they beat up that vagrant Thoreau for sleeping in the woods (the charges of causing 'transcendentalist pain' were also dropped)."--Matt Sullivan

"Duh, they beat up transients."--Paul Tullis (Lee Hunt, John Corso, Judith Spencer, Michael Brookes, David Hogarty, and M.G. Lord had a similar double-meaning angle.)

"Threw homeless people at the bicycle messengers."--Larry Schnur

"They electrified every sleepable sidewalk grate in Frisco."--Bill Franzen

"Sprayed protesters with pepper spray. But it was awful naughty to keep yelling 'Bam!' while they did it."--Beth Sherman

"The mandatory 24-hour CHiPs marathon for drivers who fail to come to a complete stop."--Kate Wing (similar, but giving Michael Feinstein the comeuppance he so richly deserves, Andrew Milner; A Night at the Roxbury, Tim Carvell; The Day the Clown Cried, Charlie Glassenberg; CBS, Andrew Cohen)

"Forced vagrants to bungee jump over the Transamerica building out of unmarked helicopters."--Peter Lerangis

"They made people sleep in their own shit."--Eric Zicklin

"They set their phasers to 'stun.' "--Matthew Singer

"Telephoned every household in Northern California at supper time to sell Police Athletic League tickets."--Angus MacDonald

"Gave suspects their flu shots? ('This will only hurt for a second,' I remember hearing during my youth, and no one called the ACLU back then.)"--Jennifer Miller

"Forced environmental protesters to listen to Rep. Frank Rigg's speeches, while rubbing tear gas in their eyes. Walker felt that the 'adding insult to injury' charge was unwarranted."--Walt Crawford

"Recited aloud from the Bay Area best seller Affirmations for Cops Who Brutalize Too Much."--David Rakoff

"If you've ever ridden on a city bus, I don't have to explain it to you."--Michael Gerber

"Publicly denounced Peter Allen Live."--Larry Amaros

"The Dirty Harry Dutch rub. 'I know what you're asking yourself: Am a using two knuckles or only one?' "--Chris Kelly

"Paid a homeless guy a hundred bucks for his shopping cart, then ordered him to lie down so they could run him over with it. (Note to ACLU troublemakers: The cops checked it out beforehand--it's totally legal!)"--Jim O'Grady

"Bikini waxing to extract confessions."--Andrew Staples

"Replaced warning labels with Binaca labels on canisters of pepper spray."--Greg Tomerlin

"Stuffed some protesters in the portable Iron Maiden and gouged their eyes out. Whole thing didn't take but a minute. 'We used to use pepper spray,' explained Officer Jim Farragut of the 5th Precinct. 'But the commissioner went to an Inquisition re-enactment and came home with all this cool stuff.' "--Katha Pollitt

"Starting at your feet and working upward, they make sure each new whack with the billy club hurts enough to make you forget the previous one, therefore ensuring a definition of 'transient pain' that will stand up in court, even if the defendant can't."--Chuck Lawhorn

"Crammed suspects into a cable car instead of a paddy wagon."--Carrie Rickey

"Tested cosmetic products on handcuffed environmental protesters. I applaud them. No animals were hurt in this protest."--Matthew Cole

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"Dressed felons as Jerry Garcia and forced them to pose for Polaroids with tourists along Fisherman's Wharf."--Andrew Reynolds

Randy Cohen used to write Slate's "News Quiz." His most recent book—oh, like you don't know.