“Consumer Reports reviews the new Buick Roadmaster station wagon.”–Paul Tullis“Seahawks coach Dennis Erickson talks about quarterback Warren Moon.”–Stu Wade“Jurassic jockey Liddy Dole complains about the dark side of Viagra, which includes a sharp rise in gonorrhea among the elderly. ‘These old guys like hookers and they don’t like condoms,’ says a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention source who wished to remain anonymous.”–Matt Sullivan“It’s a story about poverty in America. The quote is from a small boy in Pensacoloa, Fla. Duh.”–Zev Borow“Arthur Sulzberger Jr.’s hesitations over continuing to publish A.M. Rosenthal’s ‘On My Mind’ column.”–Alex Balk“Shoshanna Lonstein, repeating verbatim Jerry Seinfeld’s rationale for dumping her. ‘Sorry, babe,’ he reportedly added, ‘but I gotta find myself someone young.’ In a related development, Seinfeld has been spotted at Moomba with the Olsen twins.”–Tim Carvell“Another of President Yeltsin’s excuses for not showing up on time for an important public appearance. The full quote was, ‘Please do not disturb me now, I’m afraid I’m riding a dinosaur.’ “–David Ballard“Despite heroic attempts to make pop cult icons of the Three Tenors, PBS chief admits that a purple T.rex called Barney is responsible for network profit margins.”–Carrie Rickey“Chatty Kathie Lee admits she’s considered separation from hubby Frank Gifford. ‘When you spend day after day chained to the youthful magnetism of Regis Philbin, well, it’s hard to just put away those feelings.’ “–Beth Sherman“Emerson, Lake and Palmer groupie spills the beans on a less-than-scintillating sex life.”–Andrew Milner”Freedom Forum Online reviews the autobiography of Philip Paley, a k a Cha-Ka on Land of the Lost.”–Colleen Werthmann“In an unenthusiastic interview, Tony Randall’s 28-year-old wife talks about her intimate relations with her husband.”–Danny Spiegel“High-priced call girl attending to Jesse Helms.”–Danny Franklin“Anne Heche on love scenes with Harrison Ford in Six Days Seven Nights.”–Paul Tullis“A giddy yet terrified child’s exclamation at the first annual CBS Fun Fair while receiving a piggyback ride from fun-loving 60 Minutes correspondent Mike Wallace.”–Tim Carvell“At a women’s political fund-raising luncheon, Betsy McCoughey Ross was quoted telling her table, ‘I thought I was riding a dinosaur,’ and we assumed she was referring to her sexual relationship with her husband, Wilbur. Two weeks ago, just before the gubernatorial primary, Wilbur Ross withdrew all funding. McCoughey Ross insists she was joking about being interviewed by Larry King. The Forum regrets the error.”–Barbara Lippert“Ellen V. Futter, head of the Museum of Natural History, has signed to write about her travails trying to modernize a recalcitrant institution. In it she will state that ‘when I signed on to work with fossils, I didn’t realize that included my board of directors.’ “–David Finkle“Monica Lewinsky in wool underpants!”–Richard Walker“In a surprise press conference on Capitol Hill, Jesse Helms’ longtime companion Barney Frank outed the senior senator from North Carolina as ‘my friend, my lover, my dinosaur’ for the last 15 years. Frank, the mercurial Democratic congressman from Massachusetts, described Helms as ‘my kind of conservative–I’m afraid I’m riding a dinosaur! I just love it when he calls me “sodomite”–it makes me all shivery and delicious inside!’ There was no comment from Helms–or his ass.”–Andrew Staples“White House ‘hit squad’ uncovers a nubile Senate page who claims to have ‘done the rug dance’ with Strom Thurmond, then spoon feeds the tell-all to Salon, one of those damned Internet magazines no one has ever heard of.”–John Snell“In the post-Ken Starr spirit of full disclosure, George W. Bush describes, in great detail, his last (and very bad) acid trip.”–Andrew “at least I didn’t mention Strom Thurmond’s ass” Solovay
“Strom Thurmond’s wife to release autobiography.”–Jim Hopkins
