Evil Doughnuts

Evil Doughnuts

Evil Doughnuts

Testing your knowledge of what happened this week
Oct. 15 1998 3:30 AM

Evil Doughnuts

 

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"I don't know the answer, but someone brought up Muammar Qaddafi, and that reminded me of the Muammar handshake. He keeps his arm stiffly at his side, which means you have to bow to get to his hand and shake it. Cute? No? Did you know about the Anthony Adverse handshake? You cough richly into your right hand, then proffer it in friendship. Claude Rains perfected that one in the movie of the same name: Anthony Adverse."--Alfa-Betty Olsen

"Sadie Lebewohl of the Second Avenue Deli at being awarded Best Pastrami by Time Out New York. 'Ever since John Paul canonized Edith Stein, he fancies himself a real pastrami maven, plus he's never liked me ever since I wouldn't go with him to Turkey Trot at Warsaw High back in 1937,' said Lebewohl."--David Rakoff

"Terrence McNally, speaking for the first time about the special Tony he received for Most Boring Texas City Name Used in a Play Title About a Gay Jesus."--Judith Spencer (Norman Oder had a similar answer.)

"A good-humored contestant in The Nation-magazine-sponsored Rationalist Bake-Off, referring to her Christopher Hitchens-shaped brownies' second-place finish."--Jennifer Miller

"Becky Anderson, 7, of Madisonville Elementary School, on her winning entry in its health awareness poster contest, 'Abort That Fetus!' "--Steven L. Smith

"Ralph Nader, regarding his consumer protection suit against a firm manufacturing cheesecloth condoms."--Andrew Cohen

"Jesus, about his crucifixion trial. Quoted in Chapter 2, Verse 3 of the long-suppressed 67th book of the Bible, 'Pope I: Funny Hat, Do What He Says.' "--Tom McDonal

"Larry Flynt, referring to another attempt by Detroit authorities to string him up over his local porn-o-hut. All I know is that the Vatican filed an amicus brief to keep the subscriber list to Hustler's Barely Legal out of evidence."--Brett Porter

"Tommy Lee, visibly touched by the jury's post-sentencing rendition of Shout at the Devil."--Brooke Saucier

"Mehmet Ali Agca, the pope's would-be assassin, after his conviction for assault with a deadly weapon. Agca wonders why all the people he's shot since '83 haven't been as forgiving as his man John Paul II."--Matt Sullivan

"Planned Parenthood President Gloria Feldt, after winning the Pillsbury Bake-Off with a recipe for Nesselrode pie that uses birth control pills instead of candied lemon peel."--Katha Pollitt

"Big, bad capitalist in the next John Grisham best seller, The Inquisition."--Christopher Clark

"Galileo, as channeled by wacky Nobelist Kary Mullis, on suing New York City for the closure of Heavenly Bodies, the strip club around which his daily life revolved."--Jim O'Grady

"Teletubbies star Laa-Laa on the $1.2 million verdict against Ragdoll Productions for workplace harassment. Except the reporter has cleaned up the quote in this instance. Laa-Laa actually said, 'Ooohh! He-he-he-he! Ooooh! Wittle Popey weeee! Laa-Laa bye-bye, bye-bye Laa-Laa!' "--Tim Rogers

"Monica Lewinsky on the kind words of support she received from the grand jury after testifying about repeated acts of oral sex with the president. 'You know that pope--he'd find some way to twist a young woman's affection for a powerful older man into some sort of sin or something.' "--Jim Arbogast

"Chuck Knoblauch, on the razzing he got from the people's court after his playoff gaffe."--David Finkle

"Dr. Simon von Schtup, on his Nobel Prize for a new birth control method, the male diaphragm (don't ask ... I get the willies just thinking about it)."--Gary Frazier

"Kendall Jacobs, the main character of John Grisham's new novel The Duty in which the pope receives a jury duty notice and decides to go undercover and serve in a case involving a beautiful young woman (Kendall) who is accused of murder. When circumstances throw the pope and Kendall together (a mix-up in the confessional), they begin to fall in love. After spending the night with the accused, the pope realizes he can no longer serve on the jury and be fair. He returns to Vatican City and later learns that the woman has been given the death sentence. Kendall utters this quote as she's seated in the electric chair--not knowing that her former love is making plans to ensure that she is heading for a heavenly afterlife."--Nell Scovell

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"Albert Speer, Nuremburg War Crimes Tribunal."--Doug Strauss (Now celebrating five days without a reference to Strom Thurmond's ass and four days without a reference to closeted gay Republicans. No need to thank me, Ms. Wing.)

Randy Cohen used to write Slate's "News Quiz." His most recent book—oh, like you don't know.