“A very attractive, very protean Angie Dickinson.”–Walter Burns“Diminutive gymnast Kerri Strug.”–Tim Carvell“Broken glass.”–Alfa-Betty Olsen and Marshall Efron“Chicken bones.”–Marshall Efron“Paper thin slices of Boar’s Head bologna. Mmmmmm.”–Brett Porter“A scorpion.”–Evan Cornog“A recently harvested lung.”–Larry Amaros“Fuzzy Zoeller’s mummified ear.”–Angus P. MacDonald“A severed horse head.”–Jane C. Bressler“A Tiger Woods refrigerator magnet.”–Carrie Rickey“Astroturf.”–Peter Lerangis“A Nike swoosh laced with androstenedione.”–Daniel Radosh (Jim O’Grady had a similar answer, but his was redolent of death.)“The seven-eighths actual size replica of Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s humility.”–Andrew Milner“Dr. Scholl’s foot pads soaked in liquid creatine.”–David Finkle (similarly, Norman Oder)“A prototype coin commissioned by Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin, the ‘Clinton head nickel.’ “–John Snell“Brylcreem.”–Judith Spencer“A penny.”–R White“Suzi Colbert’s pantyhose, only in Huston’s case they come with Suzi in them.”–Jeremy Horwitz“It was a loaf of bread that was spongy.”–Robert Cohen“Just a little bit of plutonium. Hey, if copper’s good, radioactives have to be better!”–Justin Anderson“Old Mother Hubbard.”–Cliff Schoenberg“The scalp of a fair virgin, supple and pure. ‘Tiger was the only one uncomfortable with the sacrifice,’ said Colbert, ‘and look how he’s playing now.’ “–Charlie Glassenberg“A tiny green alien named Ozmodiar (voice: Harvey Korman), who gives each of them advice on putting strategy and life.”–Adam Bonin (similarly extraterrestrial, Christopher Clark)“A tear-stained note of apology from ‘Big Bertha’ explaining that there will be no more trysts until Eli Callaway is willing to give up his seigniorial rights.”–Gene Cluster“A dirty argyle sock.”–A. Willinghams“Moist cigar fragments.”–Angus P. MacDonald (similarly, Doug Strauss and Russ Evansen)“DNA material.”–Steve Reiness“Monica’s beret.”–Michael Jenkinson“A (former) White House intern”–Andrew Staples“A pubic hair he found on a soft drink can. (Flytrap has made me nostalgic for the simpler days of Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill.)”–Eliot Cohen“I don’t know, but damned if I won’t subpoena the two of them to find out!”–Tim Carvell
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” ‘A magnet’ would probably be the right answer, ‘L. Ron Hubbard’ close but not clever enough, ‘Strom Thurmond’s ass’ the David Rakoff answer, and something involving sex with animals in New York City the ‘News Quiz’ answer. Sure, this is the Internet, the ever evolving literature of the future; and not to sound like the American Spectator or anything but ou sont les neiges d’antan? Where are the incisive barbs of Merrill Markoe and Jack Hitt? Where is the wacky absurdity of ‘free range rug shampoo’? What has happened to News Quiz that has made it sound like the Farrelly Brothers do Porky’s V? Maybe this is the price we pay as a country for wallowing in semen stains that we revert to the time in our childhood where simply saying ‘blow’ or ‘pee-pee’ is a laugh riot. Well, fine. My answer to ‘Tee Time’ is ‘doody.’ I’m taking my Jonathan Swift and going back to my garret.–Kate Wing
