By Randy Cohen
"The Americans are just beginning to come back now," said Frederick Landman. "They will eventually get there." Where?
by noon ET Tuesday to e-mail your answer (firstname.lastname@example.org).
Responses to Thursday's question (No. 102)--"Weather or Not":
"Bonnie Causes Few Injuries, Little Damage"--that, more or less, was the lead for this morning's papers, TV network news, and National Public Radio. Because we can't get enough about wind and rain, participants are invited to devise a weather headline for the newspaper, magazine, or TV news show of their choice.
" 'Rogue Meteorologist Wanted Bonnie Named "Hurricane Diana" as Anniversary Tribute to the People's Princess.' People."--John Snell
" 'Columnist Fired for Fabricating Hurricane. Absent Last Name, "Bonnie" Impossible to Verify.' Boston Globe."--Jim Frederick
" 'Bonnie Thunders as Bomb Scare Clears Nun Rape Court.' New York Post."--Eliot Cohen
" 'Tornado Kills 88, Spares Millions.' USA Today, vintage 1987."--Norman Oder
" 'Snowflakes: Winter Delight or Deadly Killer? What You Don't Know Can Hurt You!' Dateline NBC."--Tim Carvell
Click for more responses.
Randy's Federal Emergency Management Agency Wrap-Up
What is an "emergency," and when does the government provide emergency relief? An emergency is a predictable act of nature with either too much or too little water that doesn't take place in New York. If a Floridian builds his house someplace called Hurricane Alley or a Mississipian farms a place marked "flood plane" on the map, each may still look astonished when there's a hurricane or a flood, and each will be rewarded with government assistance for his willful lack of foresight. However, if my Uncle Lou's dress factory goes belly up because of human activity--a new tariff or a hike in rail fares--that is not an emergency, and although he had no way to anticipate those new laws, it's tough luck, Lou. He is not entitled to assistance from the very government that approved them. Pacing is also important. An emergency must be rapid and brief--a brisk Los Angeles earthquake is a perfect (in so many ways) emergency; the slow collapse of public education is not. A good rule of thumb: If the event in question can provide a tidy one word title for a special effects laden movie, it's an emergency. Meteor. Twister. Volcano. Waterworld. Caddyshack. Mandingo.
In any case, Lou had idiosyncratic ideas about red velvet skirts with a thigh-high slit, so he'd have ruined the business anyway. Or so says Uncle Milt.
Love and Hate Extra
Below, five passionate outbursts. Match the impassioned utterance with its inspiration and its speaker.
1. "It was shameful. No words can describe what I just saw. I had to leave the room."
2. "It's that sound right there. The others go brrrrr. This has a little split sound right there, and that's what attracts people to it."
3. "It's simple. It's smart. It's fast."
4. "They are like wolves going after a bunch of little bunny rabbits."
5. "I don't want to be associated with him."
A. Geoffrey Fieger, Democratic nominee for Michigan governor
B. 1944 John Deere bulldozer
C. New York Police Department in ticket blitz against cabbies
D. Home delivery of the New York Times
E. Zyganov-Yeltsin TV debate
^. Anna Pellow, 60, widow and cabdriver
#. Tatyana Ptushkina, 49, construction company administrator
$. State Rep. William Callahan, Democrat
&. Ted Blair, past president of the Southwest Washington Two Cylinder Club
*. Some ad writer
1E#, 2B&, 3D*, 4C^, 5A$
Disclaimer: All submissions will become the property of Slate and will be published at Slate's discretion. Slate may publish your name on its site in connection with your submission.