By Randy Cohen
In a scathing report, retired Adm. David Jeremiah concludes that U.S. intelligence "needs to be scrubbed" from the top down. He suggests many reforms, including putting more agents on the ground, relying less on satellites, encouraging contrarian thinking, and issuing agents cool sunglasses like the kind those Men in Black guys wear. (OK, maybe not that last one.)
These are fine suggestions, but surely there are others.
You are invited to devise a way to reform U.S. intelligence.
by 5 p.m. ET Sunday to e-mail your answer (email@example.com).
Responses to Wednesday's question (No. 60)--"Borisisms"--
Fill in the blank:
Seeking to buttress sagging Russian financial markets, President Yeltsin told his nation's businessmen, "If you want foreign investors to put their money in, you must _________."
"Think they're crazy."--Jonathan E. Snow
"Shake it right in their faces and make sure G-string is not too tight."--Colleen Werthmann (Nicole Cody and Arthur Stock had similar answers.)
"Untie them."--Andy Aaron
"Rid your largest city of sidewalk vendors."--Dennis Levandoski
"Offer them a Slate umbrella or Encarta Virtual Globe CD-ROM."--Jon Delfin
"Must ... oh my. Ohhh! Help! I don't feel so ... AHHHH! No! AHHHHHHHH!"--Bill Franzen
"Learn that when Janet Jackson's 'Rhythm Nation' comes over the loudspeaker, it's time to drop your stocks and bonds and shake your pink Russian asses."--Larry Amaros
Click for more responses.
The endless lines, the shoddy merchandise, the bored, underpaid clerks--no, wait, I'm thinking of Kmart. Since the breakup of the Soviet Union, that part of the world has come to mean resurgent anti-Semitism, appalling regional wars, misplaced nuclear weapons, and financial ruin for ordinary citizens, so I guess Ronald Reagan was, well, utterly wrong as ever. The characteristic most of you associate with the new Russian economy is drunken violence. Oh, right--like you've never been roughed up by a Barnes & Noble clerk on a three-day Kahlúa bender?
Free Market Answer
"Put in yours."
Summoning his country's most powerful business leaders to the Kremlin Tuesday, the Russian president urged them to invest their own money in the country. The next day Russia's central bank successfully auctioned nearly a billion dollars in Treasury bills without paying exorbitant interest rates.
Leftovers: Speaking for Themselves
1. Understanding Indonesia, by B.J. Habibie
Things Habibie Is Not:
"I am not the king."
"I am not a puppet."
"I'm not deaf and blind."
Things Suharto Is:
"He's a good guy."
Something Else That's Good:
"Golf? That's good."
2. Understanding Alabama, by Gov. Fob James
What kind of a monkey is Fob James?
"I'm a monkey that's in good shape."
"I'm a pretty slim monkey."
What kind of a monkey isn't Fob James?
"I'm not a fat monkey."
"I'm not a monkey whose daddy has put $2.5 million in my campaign."
3. Understanding Alabama, by Bobbie James
What kind of a sissy is Winton Blount?
"He's a big fat sissy."
Disclaimer: All submissions will become the property of Slate and will be published at Slate's discretion. Slate may publish your name on its site in connection with your submission.