News Quiz

No. 62: “Mottoes for Moderns”

No. 62: “Mottoes for Moderns”

By Randy Cohen

His slogan is “Stop! Don’t Touch. Leave the area. Tell an adult.” Who is he?

by noon ET Tuesday to e-mail your answer (newsquiz@slate.com).

Responses to Thursday’s question (No. 61)–“Better to Curse a Single Candle”–

In the wake of retired Adm. David Jeremiah’s scathing report, participants were invited to suggest a way to reform U.S. Intelligence.

“Crack down on street vendors offering maps to the spies’ homes.”–Larry Amaros

“Shaved heads, facial piercings, and a synthesizer theme that contains the phrase ‘bad motherfucker.’ “–Merrill Markoe

“Increase the ‘black budget’ to $26.8 billion, so the agency can afford cable television and get CNN, rather than having to rely on the one local station you can just barely pick up in Langley.”–Chris Thomas

“Have dangerous maniac NRA presidential shoo-in Charlton Heston die in a hail of gunfire. I’m sorry, what was the question?”–David Rakoff

“When undercover at beach, take off trench coat and fedora.”–Danny Spiegel

“Make it perfectly legal again to assassinate any foreign leader not living up to the basic standards of human rights–as long as it’s carried out with really cool gear, like exploding, remote-controlled birds.”–Bill Franzen

“I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. How about if I tell you part of my idea and just rough you up a little?”–Chuck Lawhorn

Click for more responses.

Randy’s Wrap-Up

Despite Adm. Jeremiah’s admirable jeremiad, the question remains: stupid like a fox or maybe some even smarter animal like a dolphin who is only pretending to be stupid as part of an ingenious plan that seems to involve getting caught in a tuna net? In other words, did the CIA only pretend to miss the Indian bomb tests as part of a grand strategic design involving a nuclear-armed India?

The question one must always ask when analyzing the activities of any large organization is this: incompetence or treachery? When I worked in television, there was no discernible distinction to be made between the two, which made everyone’s day easier. And, of course, it is sometimes a convenient falsehood for the inept to be regarded as cunning. The law of parsimony tells us that the simplest explanation is the true one: The CIA are bunglers. And it reminds us that if the dolphins working in television were so smart, they’d have come up with a better show than Flipper.

Crime and Punishment Extra: Baseball Brawl vs. Firemen’s Brawl

Last week offered two bench-clearing brawls in a single game between the Anaheim Angels and the Kansas City Royals, plus a drunken brawl between New York City firemen and other New York City firemen in the Bryant Park Cafe. A comparison:

The Spark

Ball players: four bean balls

Firemen: long-standing station house rivalries

Number Involved

Ball players: both teams

Firemen: 50-100

Duration

Ball players: a few minutes

Firemen: six hours

Public Urination

Ball players: no

Firemen: yes

Exposed Selves

Ball players: none

Firemen: several

Teeth Knocked Out

Ball players: none

Firemen: several

Bullied and Humiliated Old Lady

Ball players: no

Firemen: yes

Terrorized Staff and Patrons

Ball players: no

Firemen: yes

Initial Penalties

Ball players: 12 ejections

Firemen: no arrests

Subsequent Penalties

Ball players: most suspensions in 25 years

Firemen: no arrests

Statement by Authorities

American League commissioner: stern warning that “managers are expected to be strong leaders”

Fire commissioner: unconvincing pledge to conduct “aggressive comprehensive” investigation

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