By Randy Cohen
Fill in the blank:
Seeking to buttress sagging Russian financial markets, President Yeltsin told his nation’s businessmen, “If you want foreign investors to put their money in, you must _________.”
by noon ET Thursday to e-mail your answer (newsquiz@slate.com).
Responses to Tuesday’s question (No. 59)–“Misplaced Modifiers”:
The list is: approachable, sexy, wholesome, friendly, relevant. List of what?
“Adjectives Yasser Arafat used to describe new pal Newt Gingrich.”–Beth Sherman (Matthew Budman had a similar answer.)
“Lea Thompson’s prison tattoos. But not the really good ones. By the way, the “relevant” tattoo is an inside joke between Thompson and Shania Twain. You don’t want to know.”–Chris Kelly
“The ready-to-be-used, new, nonpanicky names for the first five hurricanes of the ‘98 storm season. (As in ‘Sexy is hugging the coast at this time, causing the mass evacuation of Miami.’)”–Bill Franzen
“List of qualifications George Michael is looking for in a Filipino houseboy.”–Jon Hotchkiss
“The five nuclear devices the Pakistanis exploded.”–Jim Hopkins
“Qualifications requested in a personal ad placed in Mother Jones.”–Jon Delfin (similarly, Steven L. Smith)
“Proposed new constitutional job description of the president of the United States.”–Merrill Markoe
Click for more responses.
Randy’s Wrap-Up
Suppose a Spice Girl became a White House intern and then Disney made an animated cartoon about her zany antics, what would her name be? See. No, don’t see Page 2. Just be grateful Larry Doyle is off duty today. I wish I could repeat this mild reproach in Spanish for new arrivals to the “News Quiz,” but the voters of California have spoken.
Comfortable Yet Stylish Answer
Qualities consumers associate with Fruit of the Loom, says Warwick Baker O’Neill, the ad agency creating a new campaign for the popular underwear. The slogan: “Every body loves Fruit.” The target customer: “all-American, regular guys who want to wear fashionable products.” Not the target customer: guys who are “chiseled, edgy, European-looking.” What the new ads emphasize: the brand’s “fruitness,” an “essential playfulness and friskiness, capturing the fit and fashion.” What the ads won’t include: the Fruit of the Loom Guys. Fruit of the Loom Guy we miss most: F. Murray Abraham.
Extra–Junior Fun Page–Hey, Kids, Try This at Home!
I guess at one time or another we’ve each done something we wish we hadn’t. Can you match these expressions of regret with the person who’s really sorry now?
1) “I have been dismayed from the beginning.”
2) “It looks so foolish.”
3) “It’s a crying shame.”
4) “I feel doubly badly and extend my profound apologies to anyone whom I offended.”
5) “I have in succeeding years tried to live my promises of celibacy and chastity.”
A) Former Emory University Professor Jeffrey Sonnenfeld is sorry he got caught on videotape kicking that wall, then got accused of vandalism.
B) Joseph Symons, the bishop of Palm Beach, Fla., is truly sorry for what he did to those altar boys.
C) Mark Willes, the publisher of the Los Angeles Times, is really sorry he made that sexist comment.
D) New York Taxi Commissioner Sandra Silverman is really really sorry she voted for the mayor’s new rules.
E) John Leary of the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority wishes he’d come up with a contract offer that kept Philadelphia transit workers on the job.
Answers
1-D, 2-A, 3-E, 4-C, 5-B
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