To: CIA-All; CIA-Clandestine; CIA-Extremely-Clandestine; CIA-Mistresses
On account of recent events, we have changed the language of the disclaimer that appears below all CIA emails. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact us by composing an email, saving a draft of it in your account, logging out, and allowing us to log in and read it.
The information in this e-mail and in any attachments is intended solely for the attention and use of the named addressee(s) and may contain information that is considered privileged and proprietary. If you are not the intended recipient of this email, please notify the sender immediately. The sender of this email is not, never has been, and never will be Gen. David Petraeus, the former director of the CIA. If you have otherwise received this email in error, please immediately notify the nearest rogue FBI agent. He will acknowledge receipt by sending a photo of himself shirtless. Any sexual positions described in this email are strictly metaphorical. Any descriptions of activities of a lascivious nature that may have occurred on, near, or beneath a desk are exempt from disclosure on the grounds of sub-desk immunity. Disclosing or copying the contents of this e-mail will result in indefinite detention at the CIA black site of the sender’s choice. CIA black sites do not exist. Sex Under a Desk is a trademarked term, held by Gen. David Petraeus. The unauthorized use of the phrase Sex Under a Desk in the sale or marketing of desks or other office supplies is strictly prohibited. This email may be quoted in a laudatory biography so long as the title is a double entendre. Acceptable titles include The Surge, Deep Inside the Foxhole, and Fifty Shades of Camo. The sender does not accept liability for any errors or omissions in the contents of this message. If verification is required please request a hard-copy version. Central Intelligence Agency, Unmarked Building #17, Washington, DC, USA, 20505 www.cia.gov
TODAY IN SLATE
Forget Oculus Rift
This $25 cardboard box turns your phone into an incredibly fun virtual reality experience.
Stop Panicking. America Is Now in Very Good Shape to Respond to the Ebola Crisis.
The 2014 Kansas City Royals Show the Value of Building a Mediocre Baseball Team
The GOP Won’t Win Any Black Votes With Its New “Willie Horton” Ad
Sleater-Kinney Was Once America’s Best Rock Band
Can it be again?
Smash and Grab
Will competitive Senate contests in Kansas and South Dakota lead to more late-breaking races in future elections?