An exclusive preview of Elena Kagan's Supreme Court nomination questionnaire.

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
May 14 2010 5:34 PM

Question Time

An exclusive preview of Elena Kagan's Supreme Court nomination questionnaire.

The Senate judiciary committee released on Thursday the 10-page bipartisan questionnaire that Elena Kagan will be asked to fill out before her Supreme Court nomination hearings. However, that version was highly edited. Here's the original version that had been making the rounds.

UNITED STATES SENATECOMMITTEE ON THE JUDICIARY

QUESTIONNAIRE FOR NOMINEE FOR THE SUPREME COURT

Elena Kagan. Click image to expand.
Elena Kagan

Name: State full name (include any former names, nicknames, or common mispronunciations that senators could use when addressing you).

Address: List current address. Skip this if you'd prefer not to take a stance on it.

Date and place of birth: Attach "proof."

Education: List in reverse chronological order any institutions of higher education attended, degrees attained, and the year the school joined the Ivy League. (Note: If Cornell or Dartmouth, please attach essay explaining why.)

Race: Note any factors that would make you reach better conclusions than a white male.

Military service: Identify any time you have served in the armed forces, including dates and branch of service. Just kidding.

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Honors and awards: List any scholarships, fellowships, or academic or professional honors. Updated since 2005: "Executive Branch Employee of the Month" does not count.

Published writings and public statements: List any books, articles, or other published material you have written or edited. If none, list any opinions you hold about anything. If none, list any declarative statements you have made in casual conversation since birth.

Anecdotes: Please list any moving anecdotes from your life that would play well on national television. Include lessons learned.

Sexual history: List in reverse chronological order all partners, dates of love-making, acts performed, and satisfaction level achieved. Include three references, with headshots and contact information.

Preferences: Who do you think is the best-looking senator? Be honest.

Activities: Provide a list of things you like to do in your spare time (e.g., softball, following the WNBA, woodworking).

Documentation: Attach any embarrassing photos of yourself that, were they taken today, would end up on Facebook.

Political affiliations: Please list all Republican friends in the space below.

1.
2.

Philosophy: Describe your theory of the Constitution without using the phrase "balls and strikes."

Judicial experience: State any experience you have had as a judge. None? OK, just checking.

Social skills: Describe your relationship with Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy. Include method of address (e.g., "Justice Kennedy," "Anthony," "Tony," "AK-47") and any occasions on which you've persuaded him about anything, however trivial (e.g., lunch destination).

Health: Please note any ailments, mental or physical, that would prevent you from sitting in a room for 72 hours pretending to answer repetitive and superficial questions about your judicial philosophy and personal life—or those that would facilitate it.

Last chance: Is there anything else we should know?Fake identities? Illegitimate children? Crush videos? (It's come up.)

Practice test: What is your favorite color?

(Answer: I approach every color with an open mind.)

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Christopher Beam is a writer living in Beijing.

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