Yes, it will be hard this year for you, the Disgraced Public Figure, to send a holiday greetings letter. But it may just show your friends and family that no matter what you allegedly did, things are actually still “normal.” Here are some suggestions.
Dear Friends:
[Start with a light and self-deprecating tone to prove that, hey, you do still have a sense of humor. Then lead in with some positive news, if there is any.]
Happy holidays! It’s been quite a year, especially if you believe my (blackmailer/wife’s publicist/tabloid stories/wiretaps/text messages)! Seriously, 2009 wasn’t all bad. Don’t forget I did (win six PGA tournaments/get two Grammy nominations/clinch the World Series/have eight babies)!
[Be sure to get the elephant in the room out of the way early.]
Of course, I regret the (racketeering/Ponzi scheme/sex tape/award show microphone-snatching/affair/affairs/many, many affairs). I can only blame (myself/my insane Alaskan baby-grandma/that one paparazzo who looked like a zombie/the sushi-induced mercury poisoning). Certainly, I’m not above going on (trial/Larry King/I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here/methadone/Twitter) to clear my name.
[Address the family situation as delicately as you can.]
As for (justifiably angry spouse), I’m continually amazed by her (strength/loyalty/ability to wield a pitching wedge). We’ll be spending the holidays in (counseling/the depths of my pathetic shame/meetings to plan our next attempt at reality television), which I know will make everyone feel better. The good news is the kids (are/seem/could be, who knows with the restraining order) fine! It will take more than the (auction of all of our belongings/constant Gawker posts/wrath of my Swedish mother-in-law/competing six-figure book deals) to get this family down.
[Attempt a positive look at the future.]
For now, though, I’m going to try to make the best of things. This year has given me a great appreciation for what matters, and I know I will never again (inject steroids/hike the “Appalachian Trail”/try to sell a Senate seat/promise someone other than my wife a rooftop wedding ceremony with the Dave Matthews Band).
[Close on a warm note, even if—face it—you may never hear from these people again.]
So here’s to you and yours! I know things will get better. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that time flies when you’re (on house arrest in a Swiss chalet/dating Kate Hudson/sentenced to 150 years in prison). And it could be worse! At least I’m not (Tiger, Blago, Kanye, Gov. Sanford, A-Rod, Jon or Kate, a Madoff, John Edwards, Whitney Houston—yes, she had a comeback, but aren’t you still glad you’re not Whitney Houston?).
Have a wonderful 2010, and remember to hold tight the ones you love, preferably those who still live in your house.
Warm regards from your,
Disgraced Public Figure
Become a fan of Slate on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter.
