The Abominable Snowman applies to be an editorial assistant at Vogue.

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
May 9 2009 7:27 AM

The Yeti Wears Prada

The Abominable Snowman applies to be an editorial assistant at Vogue.

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I must admit, my adoption by Tulpa may have had less to do with his compassion than with my rendition of an old Tibetan throat-sung lullaby. Incidentally, I suggest members of your editorial staff start practicing their Tibetan throat-singing immediately. It takes years to get right, and it's the only thing that will calm an enraged snowman. (The good news is that if you're already proficient in Tuvan throat-singing, you should be able to master the Tibetan variation in a matter of months.)

But enough about my hobbies! The sooner I finish this letter, the sooner Tulpa gets the job, and the sooner we can move somewhere less snow-peaked. I told him that New York is a melting pot of races and ethnicities, and he seems excited to experience it firsthand. That said, if I had to identify a weakness of Tulpa's, it would probably be his grasp of metaphor. To be even more direct: If Tulpa asks you to get into a cauldron with a Lithuanian, you should politely decline.

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Ah, I can tell from that ear-splitting roar that Tulpa has finished hunting this evening's dinner. Good news for us, bad news for Summit Team Svensgard: It sounds like we're having Norwegian tonight.

Sincerely,
Professor Edmund Bonnebury

P.S. Tulpa is also proficient in Microsoft Excel.

Frank Lesser is a writer for The Colbert Report and the author of Sad Monsters. You can follow him on Twitter.