Liveblogging Opening Day at the new Yankee Stadium.

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
April 16 2009 6:59 AM

It's a Hitter's Ballpark

Liveblogging Opening Day at the new Yankee Stadium.

1:01 p.m.: Wow! The wait is over! The new Yankee Stadium! More than $1 billion, and worth every penny! Spectacular! Wow!

1:08 p.m.: Steeeee-rike! The first pitch! A new era has begun!

1:10 p.m.: Something wrong with the pitching rubber?

1:19 p.m.: You'd think they would keep an extra pitching rubber nearby.

1:35 p.m.: There it is! First home run in the new stadium! Derek Jeter! Upper deck!

Yankee Stadium.
Yankee Stadium 

1:41 p.m.: There it is! Second home run! And until this moment, nobody had ever hit a fair ball out of a Yankee Stadium! This is incredible! I can tell my grandchildren I was here!

1:42 p.m.: Two home runs hit out of Yankee Stadium! Who thought Cody Ransom had that kind of pow—

1:43 p.m.: THREE! Must be some wind current up there. That was a checked swing. Well, at least the Yankees have a 12-run lead. That should please the fans.

2:03 p.m.: Well, so much for the 12-run lead. Hopefully, the Yanks can come back in the bottom of the second.

2:05 p.m.: I forgot to describe the huge, high-def video scoreboard in centerfield. It's incredible! You can see every detail of the game on a wide-screen. It's riveting.

2:13 p.m.: On the scoreboard, a fan behind home plate is flashing his penis.

2:15 p.m.: There he goes again! Big crowd roar. Here comes security.

2:19 p.m.: Wow! That guy really squirmed from the jolt of the Taser. You could practically feel it on the wide-screen.

2:22 p.m.: I've heard about the luxury boxes. Let's see what they're like. There's a security checkpoint nearby.

2:35 p.m.: Just my luck—I've been chosen for a strip search. Shouldn't be much longer.

2:45 p.m.: Apparently, my background check turned up an unpaid parking ticket from 2002. As soon as the credit card clears, I can return to my seat.

2:56 p.m.: There it is! First fistfight in the upper bleachers! These are always fun to watch!

3:02 p.m.: Holy Cow! After a 150-foot drop, the guy must be paste! They're going to need a blotter.

3:05 p.m.: I hope that section can get counseling.

3:33 p.m.: Do I smell smoke?

3:35 p.m.: Well, the sprinklers work!

4:01 p.m.: Why is the scoreboard blinking?

5:31 p.m.: Good news! The radio says power should be restored in 15 minutes.

5:40 p.m.: Glad I'm not one of those poor people trapped down in the steakhouse.

5:44 p.m.: I wish those steakhouse people would stop screaming. They made their point. Yeah, it's dark and hard to breathe. Move on!

5:50 p.m.: Electricity restored! Play ball!

6:10 p.m.: You know, when your team scores 25 runs, you ought to win the game.

6:30 p.m.: Some commotion in the Great Hall. Let's see what's going on.

6:43 p.m.: Wow! The giant Joe DiMaggio picture has torn loose, and it's dangling right above us! UH-OH, it looks like it might—

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