Liveblogging Opening Day at the new Yankee Stadium.

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
April 16 2009 6:59 AM

It's a Hitter's Ballpark

Liveblogging Opening Day at the new Yankee Stadium.

(Continued from Page 1)

2:13 p.m.: On the scoreboard, a fan behind home plate is flashing his penis.

2:15 p.m.: There he goes again! Big crowd roar. Here comes security.

2:19 p.m.: Wow! That guy really squirmed from the jolt of the Taser. You could practically feel it on the wide-screen.

2:22 p.m.: I've heard about the luxury boxes. Let's see what they're like. There's a security checkpoint nearby.

2:35 p.m.: Just my luck—I've been chosen for a strip search. Shouldn't be much longer.

2:45 p.m.: Apparently, my background check turned up an unpaid parking ticket from 2002. As soon as the credit card clears, I can return to my seat.

2:56 p.m.: There it is! First fistfight in the upper bleachers! These are always fun to watch!

3:02 p.m.: Holy Cow! After a 150-foot drop, the guy must be paste! They're going to need a blotter.

3:05 p.m.: I hope that section can get counseling.

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3:33 p.m.: Do I smell smoke?