The embarrassing e-mails that will keep me from working in the Obama administration.

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
Nov. 17 2008 2:16 PM

Dear President Obama

There are a couple of embarrassing e-mails from my past that I think you should know about.

(Continued from Page 1)

From: Justin Peters
Date: 07/13/2001
Subject: Re: NSA w4m – 25

I don't normally answer these Craigslist casual encounters ads, but your promise that those who met you would be "lonelyhearts no longer" intrigued and aroused me. I am a sentimental type, recently single after a hard breakup, who lives by Robert F. Kennedy's maxim that you should "work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like nobody's watching." I am attaching a photo, and you have also probably seen this photo of my balls that's been floating around cyberspace for like five years. Write me back!

--

"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like nobody's watching."—Robert F. Kennedy

From: Justin Peters
To: letters@washingtonpost.com
Date: 08/30/2001
Subject: IDOITS!!!

DEAR IDIOTS AT THE WASHINGTON POST, WHY DID YOU DECEIVE ME INTO THINKING THAT ROBERT F KENNEDY WAS THE AUTHOR OF THE "LOVE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN HURT" QUOTE? NOW I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT TO ALL MY FRIENDS, AND I BLAME YOU AND YOUR SO-CALLED COLUMNIST "GENE WEINGARTEN." FURTHERMORE, WHY DID YOU CANCLE ZIGGY? WHICH WAS THE ONLY THING WORTH REATING IN YOUR LIEBERAL PAGES! I GUESS YOU'VE GOT PLENTY OF ROOM FOR YOUR LIEBERAL BIASES, BUT NO ROOM FOR THE ADVENTURES OF A SQUIGGLY MAN WITHOUT PANTS AND THE ANIMALS WHO LOVE HIM.

From: Justin Peters
Date: 05/02/2003, 4:17 AM
Subject: really really miss my punkin pie

Advertisement

Hey punkin, it's been awhile…don't hatw me for writing, I just miss you. I know I freaked you out with that costume thing I kept doing, and I know you said I was "clingy," but I swear im over that now. Im having a birthday party and I really want you t ocome. Iproomise I wont touch you if you don't want.

From: Justin Peters
Date: 04/13/2004, 10:14 AM
Subject: Re: raise

Listen, Todd, don't ask for a raise, just do what I do… take office supplies and sell them on eBay. Remember when we all thought that the night cleaning people took those Aeron chairs from the conference room and they got fired? I bought a Segway with the cash I made from those. Those old computers in the storage room are ripe for the picking… you'd better get to them before I do! :)

From: Justin Peters
Date: 08/13/2008, 09:50 AM
Subject: Adult diapers

Dear makers of Depend Undergarments. I am a freelance writer currently researching an article in which I will test various adult diapers to ascertain which brands can hold the most urine. I will produce my own urine as part of this test. Can you please send me some free samples? I am attaching some articles I have written in the past, and a photograph of my balls, which you have probably seen before.

From: Justin Peters
Date: 05/05/2008, 07:16 PM
Subject: A movie that you will LOVE

Hey guys, economy's been bad so I swallowed my pride and took a job in PR. But don't worry, even if I hadn't, I'd totally be emailing you to tell you about Lucky Break, the new Freddie Prinze Jr. movie. Freddie plays a firefighter who breaks his leg and falls in love with his doctor. If I were you, I'd see the movie, and tell your friends and family and anybody you know who likes to laugh, and have their heart warmed, and such. It's absolutely a scream! And, for all of you who still have jobs in journalism, if you want to do a phoner with Freddie (really nice guy, I hear), just let me know and I'll set it up. Boy, this job really turned out to be a Lucky Break for me!

Justin Peters is a writer for Slate. He is working on a book about Aaron Swartz, copyright, and the rise of “free culture.” Email him at justintrevett@fastmail.fm.

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