Dirty phone tricks for the presidential campaign.

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
April 14 2008 12:34 PM

Dirty Phone Tricks for the Presidential Campaign

Beware, some callers have hidden agendas.

Barack Obama. Click image to expand.
Barack Obama

Hey there, Zeke, I'm calling on behalf of the Obama for President Yokel-Outreach Hotline, offering you a chance to climb out of your bitter, dead-end hole and do something right for once: Vote for Barack Obama! Now, before we get started, call Charlene in from the pen, and let's put down the gun …

***

Hi, I'm calling on behalf of Senator Hillary Clinton. Sorry to wake you at 3 a.m., but that's exactly the point we're trying to make …

***

Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Senator John McCain. Please don't hang up. Oh, God, please, don't hang up! He'll scream at us again. He gets that look, you can't talk to—OHMYGOD, HE'S COMING …

***

Hi, I'm calling for President George W. Bush. According to our records, you are one of the 15 percent of the American public who believes this country is moving in the right direction. Because of that, we've been authorized to give you this one-time chance to buy $10 Rolexes from our special online value store …

***

Hi, I'm calling from the American Polling Institute. Would you approve of an intra-presidential race marriage between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama?

***

Hello there, I'm calling from the Republican National Committee in Washington, D.C. This call, like all your phone calls, is being monitored, not just for quality control but to learn what you're up to …

***

Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Senator Hillary Clinton, the most experienced candidate running for president. As you know, Hillary has overcome terrible tragedies and … (sniff) … sorry … forgive me … I just get emotional whenever I think of what he did to her …

***

Hello? Hello? I'm calling from Septuagenarians for John McCain, and we're hoping that you'll support our … hello? Hello? I think I did something wrong again. Hello? I touched something, and the screen changed. Hello?

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Hello! I'm calling for Senator Barack Hussein Obama who—praise be to Allah!—shall bring the sword of justice to the infidels as our next president.

***

Hello, this is Dick Cheney. I'm talking to you from a secure bunker deep within the earth. Through a blend of science and the dark, mystical arts, I have transferred my brain into pure energy, and I am speaking to you now, mentally, though it may seem like it's coming through the phone…

***

Hi, I'm calling for Hillary Clinton. Please don't hang up. I'm the last one here. I'm all alone. They turned out the lights about an hour ago. I'm a little scared. That's why I'm calling you at 3 a.m.

Hart Seely's memoir as a Yankee fan, The Juju Rules, will be published next year.

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