The poetry of Roger Clemens.

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
Feb. 15 2008 3:37 PM

The Poetry of Roger Clemens

The Rocket's collected works.

Roger Clemens. Click image to expand.
Roger Clemens

On Wednesday, baseball great Roger Clemens stood before the U.S. Congress, seeking to defend his honor and his soul. History will decide whether Clemens told the truth in denying a former trainer's claim that he had used performance-enhancing drugs.

But one point is clear: In his testimony and depositions, the Rocket has hurled a poetic masterpiece, with a repertoire that ranges from free-form verse to haiku. The poems that follow are the pitcher's exact words, excerpted from transcripts of Wednesday's testimony (PDF) and the deposition (PDF) the pitcher gave to the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform earlier this month.

"Saving the House"

It was a sports court.
I enclosed that into a gym.
Best investment ever, by the way.
It's saved the house from the kids.

Advertisement

Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

"Offensive Haiku"

I am offended.
I will be honest with you.
I am offended.

Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

"Ghost Andy"

He looked at me,
Wringing his hands,
White as a ghost

And asked me
What are you going
To tell them?

And I told him
I'm going out there
To tell the truth.

Feb. 13, 2008, hearing

"Stop Sign"

In Boston, I know I was on prednisone.
I remember that because actually
I came here to visit the White House
When the president was in,
And my head looked like a stop sign.

Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

"Somebody's Tried To Break My Spirit in This Room"

Somebody's tried to break my spirit in this room.
They're not going to break my spirit.
I'm going to continue to go out 
And do the things that I love to do,
And try and be honest and genuine
To every person I can be.
It's the way I was brought up.
It's what I know.

Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

"Glute"

I have strained my glute
On a couple occasions.
I wish I could tell you
How many occasions.

Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

"Me"

I have never smoked a cigarette.
I have never smoked dope.
I have never done cocaine.
I would not put anything—
Allow anybody to put anything—
In my body
That's going to be harmful to me.
That's who I am.

Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

"Headaches"  

Kids come to my house and work out.
I invite them to come work out.
The littler kids,
I try to get them to sign a waiver
In case a bat comes out of my hand, or a ball.
We've experienced that.
That's headaches.

Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

Hart Seely's memoir as a Yankee fan, The Juju Rules, will be published next year.

TODAY IN SLATE

Politics

Smash and Grab

Will competitive Senate contests in Kansas and South Dakota lead to more late-breaking races in future elections?

Stop Panicking. America Is Now in Very Good Shape to Respond to the Ebola Crisis.

The 2014 Kansas City Royals Show the Value of Building a Mediocre Baseball Team

The GOP Won’t Win Any Black Votes With Its New “Willie Horton” Ad

Sleater-Kinney Was Once America’s Best Rock Band

Can it be again?

Technocracy

Forget Oculus Rift

This $25 cardboard box turns your phone into an incredibly fun virtual reality experience.

One of Putin’s Favorite Oligarchs Wants to Start an Orthodox Christian Fox News

These Companies in Japan Are More Than 1,000 Years Old

Trending News Channel
Oct. 20 2014 6:17 PM Watch Flashes of Lightning Created in a Lab  
  News & Politics
Politics
Oct. 20 2014 8:14 PM You Should Be Optimistic About Ebola Don’t panic. Here are all the signs that the U.S. is containing the disease.
  Business
Moneybox
Oct. 20 2014 7:23 PM Chipotle’s Magical Burrito Empire Keeps Growing, Might Be Slowing
  Life
Outward
Oct. 20 2014 3:16 PM The Catholic Church Is Changing, and Celibate Gays Are Leading the Way
  Double X
The XX Factor
Oct. 20 2014 6:17 PM I Am 25. I Don't Work at Facebook. My Doctors Want Me to Freeze My Eggs.
  Slate Plus
Tv Club
Oct. 20 2014 7:15 AM The Slate Doctor Who Podcast: Episode 9 A spoiler-filled discussion of "Flatline."
  Arts
Brow Beat
Oct. 20 2014 9:13 PM The Smart, Talented, and Utterly Hilarious Leslie Jones Is SNL’s Newest Cast Member
  Technology
Technocracy
Oct. 20 2014 11:36 PM Forget Oculus Rift This $25 cardboard box turns your phone into an incredibly fun virtual-reality experience.
  Health & Science
Medical Examiner
Oct. 20 2014 11:46 AM Is Anybody Watching My Do-Gooding? The difference between being a hero and being an altruist.
  Sports
Sports Nut
Oct. 20 2014 5:09 PM Keepaway, on Three. Ready—Break! On his record-breaking touchdown pass, Peyton Manning couldn’t even leave the celebration to chance.