How would Chris Matthews sound if he talked to men like he talks to women?

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
Jan. 22 2008 10:48 AM

Hardballs

How would Chris Matthews sound if he talked to men like he talks to women?

Chris Matthews. Click image to expand.
Chris Matthews

According to the Web site Media Matters, MSNBC host Chris Matthews has a history of drooling over female guests. For example, on Jan. 4, Matthews told Elizabeth Edwards, "You've got a great face, Elizabeth. I love your smile. ... I'm sorry. I don't want to patronize you. You're great." To Laura Ingraham, Sept. 12: "I get in trouble for this, but you're great looking, obviously. You're one of the gods' gifts to men in this country." To CNBC's Erin Burnett, Aug. 10: "[Y]ou're beautiful. … [Y]ou're a knockout."

Matthews also recently apologized to Hillary Clinton for saying that the "reason she may be a front-runner is her husband messed around." It's ridiculous for Matthews to have to apologize to the women he's interviewed. What he needs to do is treat the guys equally.

*****

To Rudy Giuliani: I love the smile. Guys, can we get a tighter shot of his face? Close in on the eyes. Oh, yeah. You're beautiful. You're a dreamboat. You're America's Mayor. I bet Judi took one look at those high beams, and, bam, you were in the sack. Am I right? Look at him! That's a 9-1-1 smile! Dial 9-1-1, somebody! I'm having a heart attack.

To Mitt Romney: Governor, I want to ask you a question, and I suspect that someone out there will fault me for this, but here goes: Do you know that you are absolutely delectable? I'm not just talking Mormon looks. You've got the Catholic look. You've got the Protestant look. After the show, can I have an article of your clothing?

To Ron Paul: Congressman, fess up. Where does it say in the U.S. Constitution that a seventysomething gets to look as good as you do? Believe me, when you step into a room, all men are not created equal. You're big on civil liberties? I bet the ladies aren't civil when they take liberties with you.

To John Edwards: Wow! The temperature just jumped 10 degrees in here, and I'm not talking about liberal fury. What am I saying? Who cares? Help! Senator, you could be a construction worker. That's how hot you are. You could lay pipe in my house, except my wife would be jealous. If you're president, don't invite us to the Lincoln Bedroom if you intend to get any sleep.

To Barack Obama: So, President Reagan—I mean, senator—how can I ask a question? Look at you. You're Denzel! You're Cuba! You're O.J.! Which could be a problem. But, hey, it's a problem I'd take. I'm supposed to ask a question? OK. How about Iraq? How about health care? How about dinner?

To Mike Huckabee: Governor, what are you down to now—190, 185? I mean, you're a rock. Very tight. Firm. Lithe. Muscular. You've got the looks of an Arkansas governor. And that's a high bar. Pastor, to me, you're not just a man of the cloth. You're a man of the terrycloth.

To John McCain: Senator, I know why you pushed the surge. Because you give me the surge. I can barely sit. And don't expect me to set a timetable for withdrawal. I look at you, and I'm a prisoner. A prisoner of love!

To Fred Thompson: Before we hit the immigration issue, Mr. Thompson, let me just say that the TV camera doesn't do you justice. I can see how you score with the young ladies. Uh-oh! He's giving me that fire-in-the-eyes thing. I'm getting prosecuted, and I plead guilty. I love it!

To Dennis Kucinich: Congressman, did you know that when you got married, you broke my heart? You broke a lot of hearts. And I'm not just talking lefty hearts. I'm talking banker hearts. I'm talking CEO hearts. We may consider you a niche candidate, but you, sir, are mainstream hot.

To Hillary Clinton: Thanks for coming, Madam Senator. Before we get to national policy, let's talk about your husband. Do you have any photos of Bill you could share with me?

Hart Seely's memoir as a Yankee fan, The Juju Rules, will be published next year.

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