Questions for future fake FEMA news conferences.

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
Oct. 29 2007 2:41 PM

FEMA, You're Doing a Heck of a Job

Questions for the agency's future fake news conferences.

FEMA Director R. David Paulison. Click image to expand.
FEMA Director R. David Paulison

No one had any hard questions for the deputy administrator of FEMA, an agency deeply tarnished by its delayed action after Hurricane Katrina, when he held a news conference Tuesday to talk about the California wildfires. "Are you happy with FEMA's response so far?" someone asked. ... On Friday, however, the agency admitted that the softball questions were posed by FEMA employees, not reporters.—the Los Angeles Times, Oct. 27, 2007

Surely there are typos in this news release. It says that FEMA has saved dozens of lives and averted billions of dollars of potential property damage. What? That's all true? Wow! I have no further questions.

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Sir, I'm told that the Federal Emergency Management Agency is desperately trying to shut down media scrutiny of a certain top-level secret program. Can you confirm or deny the existence of a Web site, called "Ready Kids," which is purported to offer safety tips, slogans, and—most important—fun, and which is said to be energizing parents, educators, and children across the country?

***

Not long ago, your critics were screaming, "The wildfires are too hot! We'll never put them out! Bring our firefighters home now!" Well, they were wrong. I'm wondering, sir, is there a certain political hero who gave you the courage to stay the course?

***

I'm a veteran reporter, and I hate positive stories. I'd much rather destroy people, especially with no facts to get in my way. So, my question is this: What minor tidbit should I gin up into a scandal?  Because frankly, I've been digging for weeks, and I just can't find one damn thing that you guys have done wrong.

***

The suffering of those who lost homes is intense. But I'm wondering, sir, if you could put a face on a different kind of human tragedy: Please talk about how your own family has dealt with the long hours you devote to work. I know you try to avoid the limelight, but could you discuss the toll on your loved ones?

***

As expected, Democrats are blaming the California fires on global warming. Forgetting for a moment that the theory of climate change has been debunked, do you,  nevertheless, think Americans should be doing all they can to protect the environment? I'd prefer a simple yes or no.

***

Considering that morale is critical to national security, are you aware that some FEMA employees are not being allowed full lunch breaks, while a certain supervisor in the D.C. office is known to occasionally leave for hours to "let out the dog"? Did you know that he also forbids staff to go out for coffee? Finally, have you tasted the coffee from the vending machines?

***

I just returned from the front lines. Sir, what is it about the new FEMA that is so magical, so that when folks hear the words, "THE NEW FEMA HAS ARRIVED!" they want to stand up and cheer? Also, I have a follow-up: Can I have Monday off?

Hart Seely's memoir as a Yankee fan, The Juju Rules, will be published next year.

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