Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's real New York itinerary.

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
Sept. 24 2007 4:57 PM

Noon: Lunch With Noam Chomsky

The original requested U.S. travel itinerary for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Click image to expand.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

8 a.m.: Arrival in New York City. Meet with Gov. Spitzer.

10 a.m.: Tour site of former World Trade Center. Lay wreath to honor dead infidels.

11 a.m.: Drop off weapon of mass destruction at local al-Qaida affiliate.

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Noon: To protest barbaric U.S. exploitation of women, dine at Hooters, accompanied by writer Noam Chomsky.

1 p.m.: Tour Midwestern town of Smallville. Visit meteor site where alien boy is said to possess superpowers.

2 p.m.: Meet with political prisoner O.J. Simpson. Exchange autographed sabers.

3 p.m.: Tour U.S. Northeastern Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) headquarters. Using trickery, steal secret access codes.

4 p.m.: Phone call to actress Sally Field for last-minute tips on U.N. speech.

5 p.m.: Meet with top Republican and Democratic presidential hopefuls to determine which candidates shall receive coveted Iranian endorsement.

6 p.m.: Tape interview with popular syndicated TV-show host Ali G.

7 p.m.: To protest barbaric U.S. treatment of animals, dine with animal rights activist Pamela Anderson, accompanied by writer Noam Chomsky.

8 p.m.: Receive from grateful U.S. government gift of 52 new hostages to symbolize nation's newfound respect and admiration.

9 p.m.: Farewell address to jubilant Times Square throngs. Speak from platform, which is to be magically levitated by Criss Angel, MindFreak.

10 p.m.: Depart New York City. Stay overnight in Paris Hilton, accompanied by writer Noam Chomsky.

Hart Seely's memoir as a Yankee fan, The Juju Rules, will be published next year.

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