Noon: Lunch With Noam Chomsky
The original requested U.S. travel itinerary for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
8 a.m.: Arrival in New York City. Meet with Gov. Spitzer.
10 a.m.: Tour site of former World Trade Center. Lay wreath to honor dead infidels.
11 a.m.: Drop off weapon of mass destruction at local al-Qaida affiliate.
Noon: To protest barbaric U.S. exploitation of women, dine at Hooters, accompanied by writer Noam Chomsky.
1 p.m.: Tour Midwestern town of Smallville. Visit meteor site where alien boy is said to possess superpowers.
2 p.m.: Meet with political prisoner O.J. Simpson. Exchange autographed sabers.
3 p.m.: Tour U.S. Northeastern Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) headquarters. Using trickery, steal secret access codes.
4 p.m.: Phone call to actress Sally Field for last-minute tips on U.N. speech.
5 p.m.: Meet with top Republican and Democratic presidential hopefuls to determine which candidates shall receive coveted Iranian endorsement.
6 p.m.: Tape interview with popular syndicated TV-show host Ali G.
Hart Seely's memoir as a Yankee fan, The Juju Rules, will be published next year.
Photograph of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad by Spencer Platt/AFP/Getty Images.