[Christmas Eve. The Iraq war has gone sour, Congress has gone to the Democrats, and George W. Bush's friends have turned on him. As he jogs along a bridge overlooking the Potomac, he keeps recalling the words of Old Man McCain: "You've messed up everything, George Bush! In 2008, you'd be worth more votes dead than alive!" He stops and stares into the icy waters.]
GEORGE [shouting to the heavens]: I'm at the end of my rope! Show me the way! C'mon! Bring it on!
[He hears a splash and sees someone thrashing in the water. George climbs down and pulls ashore a funny-looking, white-haired man.]
GEORGE: Clarence? Clarence Thomas! What are you doing here?
CLARENCE: You may think of me as a Supreme Court justice, George, but actually, I'm your guardian angel. I jumped into the water because I knew you'd save me. At least, that's what Mr. Scalia said. I'm here to keep you from killing yourself. If it wasn't for you—
GEORGE: If it wasn't for me, everybody would be better off! Laura, Don Rumsfeld, Tony Blair—they'd all be happier. I'm a failure. I wish I was never born!
CLARENCE: But that's abortion! Well. OK, tell you what. [He snaps his fingers.] You've got your wish. From now on, George W. Bush was never born!
You no longer exist. You never did exist. You have no worries, no paper trail, no approval ratings, nothing. Look, your sweats are dry.
[George touches his shirt.]
GEORGE: Wow! How'd you do that? Man, this is nuts. I gotta find Condi. She'll know what's going on.
TODAY IN SLATE
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Three Talented Actresses in Three Terrible New Shows
Why Do Some People See the Virgin Mary in Grilled Cheese?
The science that explains the human need to find meaning in coincidences.
Happy Constitution Day!
Too bad it’s almost certainly unconstitutional.