[Christmas Eve. The Iraq war has gone sour, Congress has gone to the Democrats, and George W. Bush's friends have turned on him. As he jogs along a bridge overlooking the Potomac, he keeps recalling the words of Old Man McCain: "You've messed up everything, George Bush! In 2008, you'd be worth more votes dead than alive!" He stops and stares into the icy waters.]
GEORGE [shouting to the heavens]: I'm at the end of my rope! Show me the way! C'mon! Bring it on!
[He hears a splash and sees someone thrashing in the water. George climbs down and pulls ashore a funny-looking, white-haired man.]
GEORGE: Clarence? Clarence Thomas! What are you doing here?
CLARENCE: You may think of me as a Supreme Court justice, George, but actually, I'm your guardian angel. I jumped into the water because I knew you'd save me. At least, that's what Mr. Scalia said. I'm here to keep you from killing yourself. If it wasn't for you—
GEORGE: If it wasn't for me, everybody would be better off! Laura, Don Rumsfeld, Tony Blair—they'd all be happier. I'm a failure. I wish I was never born!
CLARENCE: But that's abortion! Well. OK, tell you what. [He snaps his fingers.] You've got your wish. From now on, George W. Bush was never born!
You no longer exist. You never did exist. You have no worries, no paper trail, no approval ratings, nothing. Look, your sweats are dry.
[George touches his shirt.]
GEORGE: Wow! How'd you do that? Man, this is nuts. I gotta find Condi. She'll know what's going on.
TODAY IN SLATE
Justice Ginsburg’s Crucial Dissent in the Texas Voter ID Case
The Jarring Experience of Watching White Americans Speak Frankly About Race
Here’s Just How Far a Southern Woman May Have to Drive to Get an Abortion
The Most Ingenious Teaching Device Ever Invented
Marvel’s Civil War Is a Far-Right Paranoid Fantasy
It’s also a mess. Can the movies do better?
Sprawl, Decadence, and Environmental Ruin in Nevada
An All-Female Mission to Mars
As a NASA guinea pig, I verified that women would be cheaper to launch than men.