The court finds Anna Nicole hot.

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
May 1 2006 5:18 PM

Justice Breyer Finds Anna Nicole Hot

If Supreme Court opinions were written for the cable news shows.

(Continued from Page 1)

While Ms. Smith neither testified nor spoke at oral argument, she did attend court, declined all interview requests, wept tastefully at the appropriate moments, and was the proximate cause of a near-media riot outside the courtroom as Access Hollywood battled Entertainment Tonight for the opportunity to more deeply explore the legal nuance of the federal courts' subject matter jurisdiction in state probate cases.

This court herein confesses that there is some disagreement among its membership on the matter of Anna Nicole's wardrobe, with Justice Scalia holding that Ms. Smith's somber black suit was extremely fetching; Justice Breyer concurring in the matter of her suit but dissenting regarding her oversized sunglasses; and Justice Thomas, joining in Justice Breyer's opinion but dissenting as to the length of her skirt.

Justice Souter has filed a separate dissent only insofar as he is still not precisely clear as to who Anna Nicole is, or why the court is hearing her case.

                                           VII.

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                                           VIII.

Should Anna Nicole get a new reality show?

The court finds itself divided on this matter. A plurality of its members, led by Justice Kennedy, finds that it is not within the ambit of the decorum, deference, etiquette, or good taste befitting a former Playboy bunny to nationally televise the private proceedings of her own life. Justice Alito dissents, finding that the episode in which Anna, Sugar Pie, and the crew decamp to Lake Cahuilla for a wacky few days of survival in the wilds was "funny on the merits." Justice Souter has filed a lone dissent in Section VIII, below, observing that, in kinship with Anna Nicole's former husband, he would authorize a reprise of the Anna Nicole Show only if they roll those cameras in "over my dead body."

                                                  It is so ordered.

[1]  We also find that she was fake-crying at oral argument.

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