Runaway Murder Bride—EyeWatch News Team Special Report!

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
May 10 2005 2:43 PM

The Runaway Murder Bride

How the EyeWatch News Team covered the year's hottest story.

Illustration by Robert Neubecker.
Click image to expand.

To: EyeWatch News Team From: Elliot Subject: Bravo, people!

Our "Runaway Murder Bride" coverage set new standards for ratings and reportage. You brought information, opinions, and outrage to a 5.5 share, while upholding the EyeWatch slogan: "News that's never after-the-fact."

Our 32 hours of team coverage produced some great moments:

Anchor Tippi McCall was first to tell viewers that Americans accused of crimes are innocent until proven guilty; that runaway murder bride Debra Strunk had not been formally charged with anything; that her children might not be dead; and that no evidence had yet surfaced that she'd ever had kids. Such news savvy, our lawyers say, could save us in the lawsuit! Good catch, Tippi!

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EyeTeam correspondent Garrison Garber stunned the world with his report that, after the suspected alleged killings, runaway murder bride Debra Strunk made a nude videotape. Then Gary broke the story that the nude tape was audio, not video; and later that there was no nude tape, just a transcript; then that there was no transcript.

Anchor/Commentator Edward D. Malvern showed just why he makes the big bucks when he warned young viewers not to watch the graphic CyberEye Runaway Murder Simulation. Eddie's concern for the children will really help us when the FCC reviews our license next spring!

Weather Personality Stubby Kent's personal knowledge of chief Strunk-accuser Billie Perkins gave EyeWatch an edge we never lost. Talk about WeatheRadar! Stubby got inside Perkins' alleged sex club one full hour before the vice squad! His preliminary hearing is Friday. Hang in there, Big Guy!

SkyWatch VideoCam pilot Sawyer "The Voyeur" Moyer buzzed the Strunk home for 11 hours, capturing that now-famous window silhouette of Mr. Strunk lit by the blue glow of the TV (Tuned to EyeWatch 7? Can we check this?).

Our rebroadcast of a vintage segment by Home/Food/Style/Women's Issues/ Health/People/Trends Editor Nancy Bonfatti scooped everyone with a shot of runaway murder bride Debra Strunk playfully stabbing her future husband with what appears to be a fork at the 2002 Downtown Chili Cookenanny. I know some of you thought we should have aired the clip the moment it surfaced, but the extra time our graphics wizards spent to put that red glow in Mrs. Strunk's eyes made it a true "EyeWatch Exclusive."

Education/Pets correspondent Emily Mellor's piece at Agnew Elementary School tugged our heartstrings. She showed the right and wrong ways to tell kindergartners about runaway sex and murder.

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