Important changes for your citizenship agreement.

Important changes for your citizenship agreement.

Important changes for your citizenship agreement.

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
March 25 2005 7:19 AM

Important Changes to Your Citizenship Agreement

Please read and retain for your records.

Illustration by Robert Neubecker

IMPORTANT NOTICE FOR U.S. CITIZENS ABOUT CHANGES TO YOUR CITIZENSHIP AGREEMENT.

PLEASE READ AND RETAIN FOR YOUR RECORDS.

We would like to explain certain changes in the terms of the Citizenship Agreement for your U.S. citizenship ("Agreement"). Some of the terms in this notice may already be in effect on your account and will not change. Any terms on your account not changed here remain in effect until such time as we ("We") decide they do not.

Advertisement

To help you understand the changes in the terms of your Agreement, We explain the most important changes in the Summary of New Terms below. The changes described will take effect for citizenship cycles beginning Jan. 20, 2005, and will apply to all existing and future balances on your account.

SUMMARY OF NEW TERMS

SECTION 5
The Freedom of Speech section of the Agreement is amended to distinguish between Regular Preferred Speech and Non-Preferred Speech. The Non-Preferred Speech rate applies to all speech which is not in good standing as defined under the "Preferred Citizen Rate Eligibility" section of your Agreement. Both the rate and your freedom of speech may vary based on changes in the National Terror Alert Level.

SECTION 9
The Rates and Fees Table, including rates for personal and corporate income tax, estate tax, Social Security tax, and all other Federal taxes, levies, duties, and surcharges, remains unchanged, except that it is to be read while being held up to a mirror.

Advertisement

SECTION 11
The Rule of Law section of the Agreement remains in effect, except that it no longer applies to Us. It may also, from time to time, cease to apply to Contributors above a certain level (see Schedule G, attached).

SECTION 13
The Cruel and Unusual Punishment section of the Agreement is unchanged, except that "unusual" is amended to read "unusual in Texas."

SECTION 16
This amendment affects the Right to Privacy section of your agreement. Under the new terms, the Right to Privacy must be applied for on an individual basis. To apply for your Right to Privacy, you must send your full credit history, a copy of your party registration and church membership, a complete set of fingerprints, a DNA sample, and two (2) passport-size photographs of your bedroom to: National Privacy Registry, Washington, DC, 20012-3006, att: Doris.

SECTION 26
This amendment affects the Unreasonable Search and Seizure section of the Agreement. Under the new terms of this section, the right to unreasonable search and seizure shall not be abridged.

Advertisement

SECTION 43
In the section on Transaction Fees, the sentence "All drafts, including convenience checks, cash advances, and balance transfers, on citizenship accounts with a balance of less than $50,000 shall be subject to a transaction fee of $50 or 3%, whichever is greater" is amended to read "All citizens with an income of less than $50,000 shall be subject to a draft."

SECTION 47
The Social Security section of the Agreement is unchanged, except that the program described will no longer be (a) social or (b) secure.

SECTION 53
The Right to Vote section of the Agreement is unchanged, since it works perfectly fine as is.

SECTION 53a
On second thought, the Right to Vote section of the Agreement is amended as follows: The voting cycle begins on Dec. 1 of the previous year and continues through the last Wednesday in November of the current year. Each vote cast will accrue finance charges beginning on the date cast and compounded daily. Finance charges will equal the highest Prime Rate published in the "Money Rates" table of the Wall Street Journal on the last business day of each calendar month, plus 15.99%.

YOUR RIGHTS REGARDING THE CHANGES YOU CAN CHOOSE NOT TO ACCEPT:
The changes described above in this Notice that you can choose not to accept will not become effective if you send Us a written letter stating that you choose not to accept them, in which case your Citizenship Agreement will be terminated and your Account will be closed (if it is not already closed). Your letter must be received by June 1, 2005, at the following address: Customer Service Center, J. Edgar Hoover Building, 935 Pennsylvania Ave., NW, Washington DC 25035-0001. You will be required to pay your debt to society under the previous terms of your Agreement.

PLEASE RETAIN THIS NOTICE FOR YOUR RECORDS.