The five-step cure for election rage.

The five-step cure for election rage.

The five-step cure for election rage.

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
Oct. 29 2004 12:02 PM

The Cure for Election Rage

Slate's five-step program to restore national sanity.

Katherine Harris was nearly run down by a car while campaigning on a street corner in Florida. A man threatened to stab his girlfriend over her promise to vote for John Kerry. Someone fired shots into Bush campaign headquarters in Knoxville, Tenn. Democrats are trashing Bush/Cheney signs nationwide, and Republicans are returning the favor. Lawsuits have been filed challenging an election that hasn't yet taken place.

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In the interest of regaining our national sanity, let's take a collective deep breath, count to 10, and repeat after me:

Rachael Larimore Rachael Larimore

Rachael Larimore is the online managing editor of the Weekly Standard and a former Slate senior editor.

1. First off, you Bush supporters:

"I am voting for a rich white guy who got mediocre grades at Yale and spent much of his time at the secret Skull and Bones society."

Your turn, Kerry supporters:

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"I am voting for a rich white guy who got mediocre grades at Yale and spent much of his time at the secret Skull and Bones society."

2. Bush supporters:

"I am voting for a guy who doesn't care enough about what our allies think and goes to war too quickly."

Kerry supporters:

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"I am voting for a guy who cares too much about what our allies think and wouldn't go to war quickly enough."

3. Bush supporters:

"I'm voting for a guy who says 'nucular.' "

Kerry supporters:

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"I'm voting for a guy who says 'idear.' "

4. Bush supporters:

"The guy I'm voting against is not a wussified French poodle who will make Jacques Chirac the de facto secretary of defense. And, while I may disapprove of his actions after returning from Vietnam, he is not a traitor."

Kerry supporters:

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"The guy I'm voting against is not a marionette controlled by Halliburton. And, while I may disapprove of his actions in Iraq, he is not a fascist dictator bent on world domination."

5. Bush supporters:

"America is a nation full of intelligent, hard-working, thoughtful people. Some of them are even voting for John Kerry. America also has its share of rabble-rousing morons. Some of them are, admittedly, voting for George W. Bush. We survived Carter, we survived Clinton. We will survive four years of Kerry."

Kerry supporters:

"America is a nation full of intelligent, hard-working, thoughtful people. Some of them are even voting for George W. Bush. America also has its share of rabble-rousing morons. Some of them are, admittedly, voting for John Kerry. We survived Nixon, we survived Reagan. We will survive four more years of Bush."