Feb. 1, 2004
Dear Mr. Gillespie,
Thank you for your kind letter of Jan. 18, soliciting my opinions about the future of the country and the most important issues for the upcoming election. Honestly, I put it aside on my desk and intended to throw it out, but it occurred to me that, as you say in your letter, the country needs to come together in hard times, and perhaps you are genuinely interested in my opinions and not just trolling after a contribution.
I am, as you suggest, including $25 to help defray the costs of compiling the survey and distributing its results to important Republican decision-makers, including President Bush.
Please DON'T put me on your mailing list. I am not a Republican, and I am not contributing to the party, just helping you defray your costs.
P.S.: If you really do want to send me something for my trouble, I'd like one of those cool "Mission Accomplished" hats. Thanks.
March 12, 2004
Dear Mr. Gillespie,
Thanks much for your letter that arrived today and was dated "Friday" (you should talk to somebody in your office about that, they need to learn to type in the date). Thanks for sending me the blank greeting cards. A thank-you gift really wasn't necessary, but boy, you Republicans sure are polite. I've already gotten more thank-you notes from you than I have from my nephews for the last six Christmases combined!
By the way, you describe me as a "sustaining member" of the Republican Party in your note and ask for my help in getting rid of "the usual suspects—Big Labor and Hollywood activists." There may be another mix-up in your office, as I am not a member of your party, sustaining or otherwise. And the governor of my state is a Hollywood activist, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I'm inclined to give him a chance at this point.
April 20, 2004
May I call you Ed? I feel like after the number of times we've corresponded in the last few months, we should be on a first-name basis. Please, by all means, call me "Matt"—your letters sound so formal!
I honestly think you may have made some kind of mistake. The letter I received today was marked "URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL," and the letter enclosed what you call "your RNC Campaign Plan" that has been "specially prepared as a confidential 'for your eyes only' document." I'm not a Republican and I've been known to write for, well, you know—the media, whatever you want to call it—I'm pretty sure you don't want this leaking out. I'm returning it in the postage-paid envelope (by the way, it's really nice of you to pick up the costs of our correspondence, I appreciate it). In another letter I got from you, you may remember, included an Official Certificate listing me as "a leading Republican in California," so I think it's possible you may be mixing me up with another Matt Wall.
May 22, 2004
Dear Mrs. Bush,
Received your letter of May 19 today. We have not been introduced, so I am assuming my good friend Ed Gillespie must've sent you my name. You say, "I've enclosed a special envelope for you to use to send your contribution and I've asked that a special person at the Bush-Cheney '04 campaign keep track of each and every person who sends a contribution as a result of this letter to keep me posted."
I must congratulate you on your details-oriented hands-on management style. I had no idea you were involved so heavily in your husband's campaign's day-to-day management! However, since I am not a Republican and have asked that I be taken off your party's mailing list on several occasions, I'd appreciate it if you could pass on this letter to that special person at the campaign and have me taken off.
June 9, 2004
Dear Gov. Racicot,
Hey, thanks for the photograph of president and Mrs. Bush! I can't believe you went to the trouble of getting it personalized for me! Honestly, I'm not a political supporter of President Bush, but this is sure going to be a great keepsake!
I see you crossed off "Mr. Wall" and appear to have handwritten "Matt" on your letter to me, so I'm guessing Ed told you about me. May I call you "Marc"? In your letter you say that you want to thank me on behalf of the president for his "gratitude for all I've done as a grassroots leader." Gosh, all I've done is send you an issues survey. I'm really very tickled that the president actually took time to read my opinions! I guess this means we'll be rolling back that tax cut now, right?
July 6, 2004
Dear President Bush,
Happy birthday! I'm writing these birthday greetings on a card that Ed (Gillespie) sent me a few months ago. He actually reminded me that today was your birthday, otherwise I would've forgotten it.
Listen, I don't mean to be a Miss Manners here, but next time you see Ed, you might want to let him know it's tacky to ask for money for a birthday present. In the note he sent me he asked me to send him some money so he could send it to you as a birthday present. I know you don't need the money, so, you know, you might want to ask Ed what he's doing with that money.
Aug. 12, 2004
Dear Sue Gazdo,
Please forgive my calling you "Sue Gazdo," as I am unsure whether Republican women prefer to be called "Ms." or "Mrs." or "Miss," or perhaps "Doctor" or "Reverend," I suppose.
In your letter of "Monday Morning" you say that Ed Gillespie has sent me an "official letter of nomination for Life Membership in the Republican National Committee," and you were wondering why I hadn't responded.
If I can be frank, Dr. Gazdo, I think Ed has developed an unhealthy obsession with me. I've told him I'm not a Republican, but he keeps sending me, well, not so subtle "mash notes" telling me how important I am to him. At first I was flattered, but in recent months he's showered me with gifts—cards, bumper stickers, return-address labels—that have to have cost him far more than the $25 I sent him to cover the costs of my survey. You seem to be a friend of Ed's, so I'm asking for your help. I think he needs a break or some kind of intervention or something. I don't want to be alarmist, but this is getting pretty close to what might be called "stalking."
Dear President Bush,
I got your letter today of approximately Aug. 15 (dated "Friday Morning"—I guess this must be an East Coast trend I'm not hip to yet) coincidentally the same day I got a copy of Rising Tide, The Magazine of the Republican National Committee.
You write to me that at the Democrat Convention (by the way, I don't want to be Nancy Grammar, but that should be "Democratic"—FYI) "the other side has offered little but bitterness and anger" and that you think "anger is not an agenda for America." I totally agree with you, and I promise I'll put Rising Tide on the back of the toilet so I can read more about your ideas about bringing love, etc., back into politics.
Sept. 2, 2004
Dear Mr. Gillespie:
PLEASE stop writing me. I got a letter from you today saying you urgently need three contributions from me, with three "specially coded envelopes," for the next three months. You say "YOU are the Republican Party", when I've now written back to you over a dozen times in your prepaid envelopes telling you I'm not a Republican.
Mr. Gillespie, I think we both know what you're really talking about. This is a cry for help and I urge you to get it. I hope I am not betraying a confidence, but I have been talking with President Bush about your issues, and I've asked him to ask you to stop contacting me. This is the 32nd time I've received a letter from you or one of your friends (this is not an exaggeration, I can send you a picture), and I would like it to stop before I have to ask for a restraining order.