Plus, celebrity "friends" say the darnedest things.
Tom's plumbing is A-OK.
Everybody follows up on last week's news that Katie Holmes is expecting. How far along is she? 20 weeks (Star)! Three months (InTouch)! "Roughly five months" (Life & Style)! In the second trimester (People and Us)! All the tabs say that Holmes' Catholic Toledo, Ohio, family has misgivings about the unwed mother-to-be. L&S cites a "friend" who says Katie's father shouted at Cruise, "You're no good!" The Enquirer quotes Katie's aunt, who strenuously denies that the baby started out in a test tube—"I can assure you they did it the old-fashioned way … as far as I know, nothing is wrong with his plumbing and nothing is wrong with hers"—and Tom's lawyer, who said, "He does not have any 'fertility problems,' as must now be apparent." (Slate's "Surfergirl" freaks out about the TomKitten here.)
Purple prose of the week.
As usual, it's a close race between InTouch and InTouch. Honorable mention goes to this passage, on Cruise's ex-wife Nicole Kidman and her response to Tom and Katie's news: "Tears streamed down Nicole Kidman's face when she heard that Tom and Katie were expecting their first child. But rather than tears of joy, they were laced with sadness, says a friend." Blue ribbon goes to the magazine's dispatch on Sienna Miller, who was kicked out by nanny-loving ex-fiance Jude Law—for cheating! (She's rumored to be seeing Law's friend Daniel Craig, who was just named the new Bond.) InTouch again reports from one of its bureaus inside a celebrity's optic nerve: "As Sienna Miller walked up to the London home she shared with Jude Law, she couldn't believe her eyes. Lined up in front of the door were all of her suitcases—packed."
The "Some Friend" award.
It's a tossup between a "friend of Jude" and a "friend" of Nick Lachey's. Jude Law's "friend" gave InTouch this oddly sound-bitey quote on Miller's motives: " 'She probably sees Daniel as a better catch. If he lands the Bond role, then watch out for Sienna as the Bond girl—on the screen and off of it. She's got the taste for stardom and Jude is no longer her fast track guide to the top.' " Lachey's "friend" spoke with Star about his marriage with Jessica Simpson: " 'Nick told me he hadn't had sex with his wife since The Dukes of Hazzard premiere last summer … he said Jessica's not sure if she doesn't like sex—or just doesn't like having sex with him.' "
The Nick-and-Jessica split.
News of the Newlyweds' uncoupling separates the tabloid cynics from the optimists. On the heels of last week's reports that they have split, the couple were photographed in London's Heathrow airport holding hands and wearing wedding rings—but most tabs aren't buying it: " 'They may be technically married, but they're not in a real relationship,' a source close to the couple tells Us." Star and Us are similarly skeptical. But the Enquirer and InTouch sweetly maintain that the pair is still together. InTouch reports, "Despite all the talk, the couple …seemed very much in love, say eyewitnesses."
The tabs offer postmortems on the engagement of Paris Latsis and Paris Hilton. Hilton says that it was her decision to end the relationship, but Life & Style says it was the Latsis family's idea. "A source close to Ms. Paris" explains the deal: " 'She gets to keep both rings he gave her, which are worth about $5 million … Plus, his family is giving her about $5 million so she doesn't make waves.' " In addition, "the Latsis clan gave Paris permission to say the split was her idea."
Farrah Fawcett caught in a pick.
The Enquirer's gleefully rude"Star Flaws" feature runs a compromising shot of the Charlie's Angel star. The caption explains, "Farrah Fawcett can't quite fit her fingers up her—ahem—'enhanced' nose to pick it."
Ben Wasserstein is an associate editor at New York magazine.