Plus, the sad fate of Ashton Kutcher's porn collection.
Jennifer and Vince: Sitting in a tree.
Paparazzi caught Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn going at it in Chicago. Star, thrilled about their "Public PDA" (that is, public displays of affection), quotes an "eyewitness" who says: "They were kissing and making out heavily." The magazine thenrisks jumping the gun, quoting another "source" who says, "I wouldn't be surprised if Jen is already pregnant. She wants a baby bad. I think she's determined to have her own babies before Brad does with Angelina."
Nick and Jessica: Still together, supposedly.
The troubled twosome are back from their European vacation, and though InTouch, bless its heart, still thinks the pair are really together, Us offers this lengthy exegesis from "a source": "It's widely known in their circle that Jessica did have a fling with [Viva La Bam star] Bam [Margera] and that turned off a lot of their friends. People feel like she's just changed so much and treats Nick so badly. They're rooting for him to just get out." A different "source," however, says Lachey's no saint: "He has fooled around with a few girls … the cheating was reciprocal." The tab also lets "behavior and addiction psychologist Catherine Burton" wax philosophical (read: inane) on Simpson's penchant for sunglasses: "The eyes are the window to the soul. Sometimes when people are hiding something, they're blocking out what they don't want others to see."
Are Brad and Angelina secretly married?
That's Star's provocative headline, but the answer appears to be no. The pair did enjoy a well-documented breakfast at a Cochrane, Canada, eatery called either "HQ Coffee Co. & Pie Emporium" (Us) or "Home Quarter Restaurant & Pie Shoppe" (Star). The owner of the establishment talked to Us, noting "They seemed very engaged in each other. They were very charming" while an assistant manager dished to Star that Pitt wore "a big, gold ring on his wedding finger!"—hence the headline.
Is Tom Cruise scared of Katie Holmes' family?
Us reports that non-test-tube parents-to-be Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are househunting in her native Toledo, Ohio, and the Enquirer says the home-purchase is a done deal. (Holmes' chatty aunt says, "The whole family is delighted.") Cruise's PR rep's denial is weirdly cocky: " 'Everyone wants Tom to buy a house in their neighborhood,' she tells Us, 'but it's not true.' " Locals, however, are enthusiastic about the possibility: Us claims "A store window in the center of town already reads, 'We gift-wrap baby gifts for Tom and Katie's baby!' " Star says the couple won't be moving to town, and quotes "a friend of Holmes" who speculates uncharitably, "Tom probably thinks having a home in Toledo will only exacerbate the religious issue. He must feel that her family's presence might confuse her as she converts to Scientology."
Pamela Anderson needs more surgery?
The Stacked star is under the microscope in Life & Style's recurring column on celebrities who may need plastic surgery. Or, as the tab puts it, "Could the pinup use a little tune-up on her face?" L&S's docs acknowledge that Anderson may have already had a lot of work done: Botox in her forehead, a limited rhinoplasty, collagen injections for lip fullness, laser or light treatment for her skin, a mini face-lift to smooth her jawline and lift her cheeks, and Rystaline filler to plump both her eye and her nasal-labial folds. But on top of that, one doctor "recommends an upper- and lower-eyelid lift to eliminate the excess baggy skin."
Ashton Kutcher unloads his huge collection of porn.
The Enquirer reports that the newly married Kutcher gave his buddies "two plastic storage bins he called 'The Mother Lode' of raunch," because new wife Demi Moore doesn't want the X-rated goods around their house. The tab quotes him telling pals, "You've got to get these out of here before Demi comes home. I told her these were my baseball cards!"
Halle Berry overheard.
Us says that Halle Berry has been agonizing about the state of her relationship with Barbershop star Michael Ealy—and rather loudly, apparently. In an odd formulation, Us writes, "According to a source, Berry was recently overheard complaining" that Ealy does not want to get married. (So the source didn't do the overhearing him- or herself?) The source has it that Berry was overheard saying, "I want to get married, but we're not at the same level—monetarily, emotionally or mentally." Berry, 39, is seven years older than her beau, and the magsays she also declared, "I ain't gonna be nobody's mama!"
Ben Wasserstein is an associate editor at New York magazine.