Plus, Mischa's lousy pickup lines, Paris Hilton's Greek fetish, and more from this week's tabloids.
Nick and Jessica split?
Us and Life & Style both report that America's favorite newlyweds are finally parting ways—and both place the blame squarely on Jessica. Us emblazons the word "SPLIT!" on its cover in a typeface usually reserved for international incidents. L&S has a report from "a fellow first-class passenger" on a Sept. 28 flight saying that Simpson wailed, " 'Nick doesn't want me anymore' " and "sobbed loudly throughout the flight." The tab says the breakup occurred by phone on Sept. 27, when Nick, according to an "insider," said simply, " 'It's over.' "
Demi Moore is pissed at Madonna.
Us reports on intra-Kabbalist strife. Moore is upset that Madonna missed her wedding to Ashton Kutcher. The musician did send each of the newlyweds "matching $10,000 diamond kabbalah-inspired bracelets," but Moore "may want to return the gifts: 'She feels Madonna betrayed her' " by not attending the wedding says "a source," who adds that the Material Girl knew about the nuptial date " 'several days in advance.' " Madonna's rep denies the incident.
Mischa Barton's seduction techniques.
The Enquirer gives a detailed breakdown of The O.C. star's unsuccessful pursuit of Owen Wilson, aka the Butterscotch Stallion. A "spywitness" saw Mischa, who "finagled the booth next to [Wilson]," "fluttering her eyelids as she propped her elbows on the table and sorta 'squeezed'—showing off her assets!' " The saga continues, "Mischa kept flirting relentlessly. Wilson openly ignored her. Finally she scribbled a note and … Eeeek! … tossed it next to his plate. Visibly annoyed, Wilson told her, 'I'm in the middle of a business dinner!' "
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting.
People's Web site broke Wednesday's big celebrity news, which came too late to make it into any of the magazines. Though Holmes' pregnancy had been rumored, the Enquirer gets points for being the only one of this week's tabs to discuss the possibility. "Something to hide?" asked the caption to one picture of Holmes, noting that she was wearing "a bulky sweater."
Britney and Kevin's seduction techniques.
Us reports that a member of the Spears-Federline entourage is threatening to release a "raunchy" tape of the pair. Their legal team screened the tape to gauge the impact it could have on their finances. " 'Everyone either laughed or was disgusted by it,' says the source. 'Britney and Kevin are acting goofy the whole time.' "
Paris Hilton steals Mary-Kate Olsen's man.
Everyone reports that Paris Hilton, in the wake of her split with Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis, has been seeing another Greek shipping heir, Mary-Kate Olsen's boyfriend Stavros Niarchos III. Us reports that Hilton and Stavros first met two years ago anddescribes their delicate courtship thus: " 'She thought he was cute, but his hair was too long for her,' says a source. ('Now that it's cut, she thinks he is hot,' adds the insider.)"
Nick Lachey's seduction techniques.
Danielle Calo, a communications major in the class of 2008 at Ohio State, tells Star "Nick Seduced Me!" The tale begins at a high school football game in Columbus, Ohio ("Nick was there to do the ceremonial coin toss before the game," Calo explains). Lachey had his bodyguard get Calo's digits and then left the game. "He told me he was heading to a local Hooters, and I thought 'Why doesn't he go someplace nicer?' " Calo recalls. Later that night, the bodyguard called her and invited her to Nick's Embassy Suites hotel room. Once Calo and Lachey were alone, he laid it out, saying, " 'I'm not going to lie to you. I think you're really hot, and I'd like to hook up with you.' " Calo says, " 'He was a really good kisser, soft and gentle—even though he was using his tongue to French kiss with me.' "
Ben Wasserstein is an associate editor at New York magazine.