The key to understanding celebrity love lies in the sonnets.

When he wasn't out cavorting with Gwyneth Paltrow, William Shakespeare wrote some sonnets that turn out to be apt commentary on the tabloids continuing examination of the pain and promise of celebrity love. Sonnet 129 nicely sums up the situation between the first couple:

The expense of spirit in a waste of shame

Is lust in action; and till action, lust

Is perjur'd, murderous, bloody, full of blame,

Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust.

Though even Monica Lewinsky, for all her wheedling, couldn't convince the president to give her a tour of the White House private quarters, the tabs have no trouble penetrating that sanctum sanctorum, providing bulletins from Bill and Hillary's intimate moments. The National Enquirer reports, for example, "[The president] dissolved into tears after a bitter screaming match with Hillary. They were both sobbing and screaming. It was a scene like none other in the history of their relationship." Just as often, however, Hillary refuses to speak to him. "Meals with the First Lady have been silent, ominous affairs. Servants said they hardly look at each other." All this, and the pain he's inflicted on his daughter, has driven the president to a "secret collapse," the publication reports. And "[d]espite the rage Hillary feels toward Bill" she's convinced "he needs acute psychiatric help, therapy and probably antidepressant medication."

According to the Globe, however, things aren't quite so hopeless at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. With the help of a New Age counselor, Hillary is learning to forgive Bill. As Sonnet 35 says:

No more be griev'd at that which thou
hast done;
....
For to thy sensual fault I bring in
sense--
Thy adverse party is thy advocate.

Returning to the White House, the Globe reports, is Jean Houston, the counselor who a few years ago advised Hillary to have imaginary conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt. "A controversial psychic is helping Hillary Clinton draw inner strength," says the publication. Though the Globe reports a spokesman for Houston says she has not had any contact with Hillary since 1996, the publication insists Houston has taught Hillary to "tap the power of her guardian angel." As proof, the Globe offers a photograph of Hillary wearing what it describes as a guardian angel pin but which instead looks suspiciously like a guardian eagle. Houston has also supposedly given the first lady "nonconfrontational techniques to resolve the problems that arise in a marriage." For instance, "Hillary was told to sit quietly, close her eyes and imagine that her and Bill's positions were reversed." The Globe does not report whether this method resulted in Hillary making a pass at Houston.

While Monica may not be what Shakespeare had in mind when he wrote of his "dark lady," he does offer some commentary on Monica's awaited literary endeavor in Sonnet 80:

O, how I faint when I of you do write,

....

Then if he thrive and I be cast away,

The worst was this;--my love was my decay.

According to the Enquirer, Monica's book will portray the most powerful man in the world as the Don Knotts of romance, quivering in fear that a steward might bust in on one of his inappropriate physical contact sessions. ("Even as I was pleasuring him I'd see his eyes flicking anxiously over my head towards the door!") And by Monica's telling, the colder the president got, the more desperate she became until she threatened to "get on the phone and call the First Lady or Chelsea" and tell them about the affair. Clinton begged her not to do it. ("Please don't tell them. Hillary would kill me and Chelsea would disown me as her father.") Monica finally backed down after she reduced him to tears. One can only imagine that at that moment Clinton probably wished he could go back in time to undo the first step in that chain of events--that is, kill Alexander Graham Bell before he ever invented the damned telephone.

The Star reports that the book will also include "never-before told details about the sex life of Linda Tripp." Perhaps the book should also come with a do-it-yourself lobotomy kit to make sure any readers who come upon this passage have a way to permanently forget it.