Slate's handy do-it-yourself pleadings for a more litigious Election Day.

This week, America attempts to pick its president. Citizens will march up to their polling places, stand in long lines, attempt to prove they are who they say they are, and pull the lever for some candidate or other. But instead of returning home to spend the evening with Tim Russert and a martini, many thousands of them will be forced to spend it in grueling postmortems with class-action lawyers, hashing and rehashing innumerable voting indignities and filing for emergency stays, injunctions, and tiresome motions for Orders to Show Cause. The question is, shouldn't you be one of them?

Rumor has it that John Kerry has already mobilized tens of thousands of lawyers and several airplanes to fly around the country, filing lawsuits before every magistrate, traffic judge, and hall monitor in the country. The Bush campaign has every intention of responding in kind.

Slate finds itself deeply dismayed by this turn in events. Americans are an independent and resourceful folk. Why should the lawyers have all the fun? "Get out the vote" is so last millennium. We're here to help "get out the plaintiffs." To that end, we present herein a handy Slate litigation kit for all you do-it-yourselfer litigants out there, eager to cut out the middleman and file your own election-related lawsuit. We've organized all possible (and impossible) election-related legal claims below so that prospective plaintiffs need only check the appropriate boxes, fill in the relevant data, sign and date the handy affidavit, and timely file this pleading in the court of appropriate jurisdiction.

Wishing you the very best of luck on your own pro se adventure,

The Editors

Section I: Voter Intimidation Claims

Were you or your loved ones harassed, harangued, humiliated, condescended to, or belittled by any election worker today? Was your name stricken from the rolls because it has a letter in common with a deceased felon? If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you have been the victim of voter intimidation. Please fill in the appropriate blanks below:

A. I was told by a "Challenger" named _____________________ that I was ineligible to vote, and it made me feel (circle one) bad/ sad/ mad.

B. I herein swear and aver that I was the victim of harassment at my polling place because of my (check all appropriate boxes):

(i) Race ()

(ii) Religion ()

(iii) Sexual orientation ()

(iv) Handicap or disability ()

(v) The overwhelming aroma of patchouli clinging to my kaftan ()

(vi) Refusal to leave my assault weapon in my vehicle while voting ()

(vii) Name. Which really is Mary Poppins/Fred Flintstone/Ralph Nader (see copy of birth certificate attached herein as Exhibit A) ()

(viii) Other ___________________________ ()