Ideas for a Slate face-lift.
In Best of the Fray, switters has produced a parodic masterpiece capturing the essence of Fray life and culture. Coinciding with the 10th anniversary of Slate, it seemed worthy of reprinting here in its entirety, with one modification: the neologism Enterfraynment Tonight© has been provisionally trademarked. Here goes:
Ready for "the new look"? Didn't think so.
With a new makeover for Slate comes a new makeover for The Fray. Sassy, hip, fresh, "phat" boards. And we here at Enterfraynment Tonight© couldn't be more excited about them. So here's a sneak peek at some of the things on tap for Slate's loyal readers, and our "new blood".
Reality Roundup, focusing on today's most important reality television shows, will be linked to articles reviewing, recapping and re-inventing reality as we know it, at least on our TVs. Good times!
Obituarfray will help regulars keep track of who's dead but still manages to find time to post, and help make our new readers aware of the fact that some people here (most?) are truly troubled.
Go Fuck Yourself will tackle everyday life encounters with grass roots issues that really hit hard on the home front and come out smelling fresh on the other side.
Quake 3 Frayrena will be a one-on-one venue for flaming, complete with play-by-play "sidebars" by the editorial staff who announce the winners after all the spittle has settled.
I Write The Songs That Make The Whole World Puke, dedicated solely to the creepily insane army of Barry Manilow fans, or "Fanilows", will allow you to make fun of him and them. [!!!Warning!!! Extreme density of earworm prevalence makes this board highly volatile, and the editorial staff highly recommends blasting Led Zeppelin's epic Presence whilst visiting.]
Vanity Not Fair, dedicated solely to the creepily insane army of Vanity Fair fans, or "Fair Weather Friends" (ourselves here at EFrayT included), will allow you to make fun of it and them. One special feature of this board will be links to pictures, say, of Dominick Dunne's head on Kate Moss's body, and the like. Let the hilarity ensue!
Issues surrounding today's parents will be highlighted in Hey Dumbass!, a new board where readers can explore the problems of kids having to grow up too fast, or not at all, and why the little brats have such an acute sense of entitlement not seen since the civil rights movement.
Shoot&Scoot, utilizing our patented new Censorizor™ software, will allow only "eom" posts. The soul of wit may be brevity, but a well-timed "drive-by" has been known to take out more than a few innocent bystanders.
Hegel And Bagels will feature a weekly Monday morning breakfast breakdown of Germany's favorite omni-cosmologist, not to mention purple onions, cherry tomatoes, cream cheese and salmon! It's BYOBagel, though.
We're really excited about The Yammering Cunt, which, through the magic of our other patented new software program, ScourMate3000™, will earmark posts made by the "challenged" amongst us, yank them out of the other boards, and place them all in one convenient location for us to pour over and enjoy for days on end, and really feel better about ourselves.
The Golden Age will give old-schoolers a home to relive their glory days of yore, when The Fray didn't suck. Cross pollinated with Nursing Home Nabobs, this should help keep the fast-moving boards free from the clutter of thoughtfulness, and hopefully will cut down on the intellectual incontinence of spammers. (Speaking of which…)
Cut&Waste, using a technology similar to that of ScourMate3000™ called ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZap!™, automatically, well, "zaps" posts that are little more than copied articles on other internet fora, usually msnbc.com, thus eliminating the much unnecessary middleman. Hey, isn't that what we're after: a clean Slate?
Gay Jew Central, Slate's foray into all things conspiratorial, will cover everything from the latest trends in fashion, banking, and what it's really like controlling the course of world events from a hermetically sealed killer 3 bedroom/2 bath "apartment" deep within the core of our planet, earth. We're hoping GJC will make The X-Files look like The Parent Trap (the original, with Hayley Mills) and help reveal the anti-semite in all of us.
Dickhead, which, it turns out, you can say on National Public Radio, which Bob Garfield of On The Media did three weeks ago, will be devoted to discussing NPR personalities, their hobbies, and various and sundry Ann Taylor soup recipes. (Speaking of which…)
What's For Supper? will be devoted to castigating France for being French with a zealousness heretofore not seen on these boards. But know that there will probably be no shortage of references to that one movie, The Freedom Connection, or that other movie, The Freedom Lieutenant's Woman, or to the lovable character on the old Brian Keith TV show Family Affair, "Mr. Freedom" [www.eyeonsoaps.com]. Viva la Freedom sur la Marche! (Speaking of which…)
Go Play In Traffic won't be so much a board as it will a complicated system of links and portals that will open up dozens of hardcore porn windows just as your boss walks by. Oops!
Be on the lookout for Regulation Hottie Retard Smackdown, the board to which posts made to an article stupidly linked to the "front page" of msn.com are redirected, posts which are summarily heckled to within inches of their lives by the likes of fraybabes rundeep, bright_virago, et al. Don't get it? Okay. Say poor Troy Patterson, Slate's go-to TV guy (and a great writer to boot) has the unfortunate assignment of writing about the upcoming Beverly Hills 90210 Reunion Show. Some nimrod editor links it on the msm.com front page, and faster than you can say, "Try thinking with your mouth closed," every idiotic retard with a modem is posting anything and everything that crosses his or her walnut sized brain. E.g. "I better Melrose like than Code now even more with Jason Prester have logs on yummy hair"; "BRING IT BACK FOR GOOD!!! BEST SHOW EVER YES!!!"; "blothle snork taff mulket lurbie…" &c., and on. You just want to shake these people. And that's the beauty of it. You don't have to. What you can do is sit back enjoy the show when deep and bright do the smacking for us. Thanks, lovely ladies!
Meat Locker. This one's a standalone. We're just gonna see where it goes with a name like that. We're hoping it creates the same sort of confusion Heavy Petting did when we launched that board. Hot stuff!
Then there's Yahtzee, about board games. In every sense you want to interpret that.
And, of course, swittersville, Population: Funny! (note that I'm the only one who gets italics in his/her title), a new board linked to my flagship column about all things southern – with lots of racism, bigotry and profanity.
But we don't want to give away too many secrets!
Yes, we here at Enterfraynment Tonight© are pretty dagnabbed excited about Slate's, and The Fray's, new look. You should be, too. Because when things get "a new look", it usually means that they're "taking something off the menu" that you really liked.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
This, despite the fact that the distinction between Macs and PCs has diminished somewhat with the former's adoption of the Intel processor, as carmen2u points out. Au contraire, saysmelvil: "new Windows that may be available by this time next year (after they beta test it on a million suckers) will be a slavish imitation of OSX."
PasadenaJake summarizes the shortcomings of Apple's ad in this way:
Apple plays to their stereotype while turning off the corporate buyer, me. This campaign gives me no reason why I should have the technical department switch wholesale to Macs. Sure, Windows can be installed on Macs, but I've got a guy who installed OS X on a PC and without having to turn it off and on to run the other OS. Show me a Mac that can do that. Show me a Mac that can run cost-efficiently in the corporate world. Show me a Mac used by somebody you would want to hire. IOW, do not show me the smug, unshaved, yesterday's clothes wearing Justin Long telling me about the PCs of eight years ago.
Self-appointed MacAdvisor rises to PJ's challenge and makes a plug for Parallels Desktop, which "can have both Mac OS X 10.4 and Windows running at the same time, switchable between both, with copy and paste functioning. It is far superior to Bootcamp from Apple." To show how serious he is, MacAdvisor is willing to quit his current job "with two-weeks notice" and offer tech support services exclusively. Interested parties can respond here.
Adam Christian is co-editor of the Fray.