In the Trump Story Project, we’re presenting a series of short stories from contemporary writers, compiled by Ben H. Winters, imagining America’s future under President Donald Trump. Read Ben Winters’ introduction to the series.
PATRIOT POINTS Application Form
Congratulations! You’ve been selected to sign up for the voluntary Patriot Points program that rewards YOU for being a proud American.
Let your red, white, and blue colors show and you may qualify for huge discounts on popular all-American brands, TSA Precheck approval, and priority boarding on U.S.-carrier flights, as well as discount tickets on a wide variety of sports events and concerts by PP-approved entertainers, family dinner specials at participating restaurants, discounts and special treatment at participating classy hotel franchises and golf courses, and for those lucky members who hit the Top Tier of American Pride, a range of terrific VIP experiences including the chance to attend exclusive cocktail parties in the White House with POTUS himself!
Please complete all sections in full.
Full name: ______________________________________
Social Security number: _______________________
Social media account names and passwords: _________________________
Full name of spouse and dependents, if any:
Social Security numbers of spouse and dependents:
Social media account names and passwords for spouse and dependents:
SECTION ONE: Your Roots
1. How many generations has your family been in America?
Score +20 points for every successive generation. Please complete the attached family tree diagram (Addendum 1) listing the full names of your forefathers, for as far back as you can.
2. What is your mother tongue, i.e., the language you speak at home?
American English: +10
British English: +5
European languages (excepting Spanish): +1
African languages including Swahili/Igbo/Zulu, etc.: -5
East Asian languages including Tamil/Punjabi/Korean, etc.: -5
Middle Eastern languages including Arabic/Urdu/Farsi, etc.: -10
Other: _______________ -5
3. Do you own a current passport?
No, everything I need is right here in the USA: +1
Yes, but only for business purposes exporting American goods or services: +1
Yes, to explore other cultures and experiences: -1 (Please subtract an additional –1 for every foreign stamp in your passport. -5 for enemies of America. Please see Addendum 2 for the most up-to-date list)
SECTION TWO: Economic Expedience
1. Do you buy American? Please list the specific brands you have supported in the past 12 months.
+1 point for every major brand that is already a Patriot Points partner (e.g., Walmart, Ford, Coca-Cola, Exxon Mobil, Budweiser, Marlboro, Wells Fargo, Starbucks, Ivanka Trump Jewelry)
2. To the closest dollar amount, how much money have you donated to your Republican congressional candidate?
For every $1,000 spent: +1
3. If you are an employee, how many hours of overtime do you put in a week without expecting your employer to carry the slack?
Hours of unpaid overtime: +1 per hour
4. How often do you replace your car?
Every 1–2 years: +10
Every 3–5 years: +5
5–10 years +2
10–20+ years: +1
I use Uber: +2
I use public transport: -10
5. Do you have a home loan, student loan, or other loan with a reputable American financial institution? Please list the details with outstanding amounts and interest. Did you know we can renegotiate your financing for you with a PP-approved partner bank?
Home loan: +10
Student loan: +5
Other loan: +5
6. Do you have any chronic diseases or conditions that may make you a drain on the economy? Please list below, with details of your primary health care practitioner. Please factor in an additional -20 points if you contracted this as a result of immoral sexual acts.
Heart disease: -10
Breast cancer: -5
Cervical cancer: -5
Prostate cancer: 0
Testicular cancer: 0
Other cancer: -5
SECTION THREE: All-American Values
1. What is the population of your town or city?
More than 1 million: -5
Less than 1 million: +5
Less than 5,000: +10
2. Were you an athlete or a cheerleader in high school?
Yes, and I was captain: +10
Yes, but in an un-American sport like curling or lacrosse: +1
3. Do you own an American flag?
Yes, and it’s flying outside my house right now: +10
No: 0 points
I burned it: -50
4. Do you own a gun?
Yes: +10 for each handgun, +20 for semi-automatics and shotguns, +30 for each full automatic
No, but I support the Second Amendment: +1
No, and I believe in stricter gun control: -10
5. Do you hunt?
No, I oppose hunting for sport: -5
6. Have you ever received social welfare, including food stamps?
Yes, I have been a drain on society: –10
No, I take pride in supporting myself and my family: +10
No, and welfare fraud is one of the biggest problems in America today: +20
7. Have you made use of a secular “reproductive health care” service such as Planned Parenthood?
Yes, but only for screenings: 0
Yes, for an abortion: -50
No, using them would be making myself an accessory to murder: +10
8. Are you active in your local church?
Yes (Protestant, evangelical, or prosperity gospel): +50
Yes (Catholic): +10
Yes (Jewish): +2
No, but I practice Christian values: +20 points
No, I’m Hindu/Buddhist/other: -5
No, I’m atheist/agnostic: -10
Yes (Muslim): +50 **
(** You qualify for an exclusive resort experience on behalf of the U.S. government. Representatives from the PP offices will contact you after you submit this form.)
9. Have you performed military service?
Yes, I am currently serving my country: +100
Yes, I served, proudly: +20 for every tour of duty
(-50 for PTSD and other disabilities or injuries that drain the country’s resources)
10. Have you or anyone in your family ever been part of a union? (If yes, please provide details, including the full names of associates):
11. Have you participated in protest action against the new regime?
Yes (marching in rallies): -50
Yes (on social media): -20
Yes (private conversations, online chat, phone conversations): -10
SECTION FOUR: Complete the Sentence
1. ________________ lives matter.
2. A woman’s place is___________________.
3. “Trans” people should use ______________________ bathrooms.
4. Gay marriage is __________________ against God.
5. Evolution in schools is____________________________.
6. Vaccines cause___________________________.
7. The rich, who contribute the most to society, should pay __________ taxes than average Americans.
8. ___________________ is a hoax; the earth’s temperature has always fluctuated.
9. ________________ is fake news.
10. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is __________________.
SECTION FIVE: Please Mark Whether You Agree or Disagree With the Following Statements
1. Good walls make for good neighbors.
Agree / Disagree.
2. National security is more important than human rights.
Agree / Disagree
3. Economic interests supersede environmental issues.
Agree / Disagree
4. Journalists have a moral responsibility to their country first and should be monitored by a state-appointed ethics committee.
5. Fascism is an outdated historical term that no longer has any relevance.
Agree / Disagree
6. Voter fraud is a real problem.
Agree / Disagree
7. The sky over the presidential inauguration was blue.
8. America is great again.
Agree / Disagree
[ ] I agree with the terms and conditions.
Terms and conditions:
* By completing the Patriot Points application form, I hereby warrant that all information I have provided is true and correct.
* I understand that Patriot Points is an independent loyalty program with strict qualification criteria and that applying does not guarantee acceptance.
* I understand that any and all of this information, regardless of whether I qualify for PP or not, may be shared with rewards partners, as well as with civil and federal institutions including the CIA, FBI, the Department of Homeland Security, and any other governmental or nongovernmental body the program sees fit.
* I hereby indemnify the Patriot Points Program, the United States government, and all rewards partners against any complaints, damage, injury, acts of harassment or violence, or human rights violations that might occur against me or my family based on the information I have freely provided here.