Beat-Sweetener Contest: The Winners

Gossip, speculation, and scuttlebutt about politics.
Dec. 21 2000 4:51 PM

Beat-Sweetener Contest: The Winners

Chatterbox invited readers to parody the flattering "beat-sweetener" profiles of Bush appointees written by Washington journalists hoping to curry favor with the new administration. The winners appear below.

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Eighth place goes to Michael Buttram:

President-elect George W. Bush today announced the appointment of Robert Downey Jr. as the new director of the Drug Enforcement Agency. In a prepared statement, Gov. Bush lauded Mr. Downey's record and familiarity with the hottest controlled substances on the street today.

Seventh place goes to Glenn Chuck Harrison:

[Attorney general nominee Darth] Vader is deeply religious, which he says is the source of his strength and conviction. Though critics disparage his crime prevention program on Alderan as somewhat heavy-handed, Vader correctly points out that the Alderanian crime rate seems to have vaporized with little or no complaints from the indigenous population.

Sixth place goes to "curmudgeon1":

As further evidence of his efforts to promote diversity in his administration, President-elect Bush today announced the nomination of Paula Jones for the post of attorney general. Jones is best known for her tireless campaign against sexual harassment in the workplace, and her tenacious activism has earned her the admiration of even the most conservative Republicans.

Fifth place goes to Ed Furey:

Mr. Eichmann prides himself on his intuitive ability to understand what his leader wants, needs, and expects in carrying out policy. Congressional sources enthusiastically endorse Mr. Eichmann's attention to detail and initiative carrying out orders from the top. "Mr. Bush is a big picture kind of guy," said one transition official. "He doesn't want to be bothered with all the bureaucratic minutiae. In fact, in many cases, he simply prefers to give an order verbally, leaving his appointees to generate the paper trail."

Fourth place goes to Adam M. Lewis:

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