A Gentleman’s Guide to Best Man-hood

Notes on nuptials.
June 12 2013 7:30 AM

How to Be a Better Best Man

Flirt with the mother of the bride, but don’t grind with her.

Troy Patterson.
Troy Patterson

Photo by Christina Paige

Please send your questions for publication to gentlemanscholarslate@gmail.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Troy Patterson Troy Patterson

Troy Patterson is Slate's writer at large and writes the Gentleman Scholar column.

Dear Gentleman Scholar,

I had a hunch my best friend of 15 years would ask me to be his best man. The day has come, and I have swiftly become aware of how little I know of what's expected of me. While other friends assure me that I only need to worry about the bachelor party, some websites insist I should be doing everything from arranging engraved gifts to booking honeymoon hotels. For a modern couple, what is a relatively thoughtful best friend and man and gentleman to do?

Yours truly,

Best Man To Be

Thank you for the question.

As this magazine’s earlier treatment of the topic indicates, it is indeed your duty to organize a bachelor party that’s impossible to forget and traumatic to remember. In this and all other best-manly matters, carry yourself as if you are the sheriff of the good times and the other groomsmen are your deputies. Delegate tasks to responsible (and to proficiently irresponsible) individuals as warranted by events (which may include an actual sheriff’s service of warrants). Heed a wise man’s words regarding the cloud that should cross the groom’s mind in the course of the party: “If I do not get married, I will die within the next year.” 

Between the bachelor party and the wedding weekend, your responsibilities are almost nonexistent. But if the groom is dressing in formalwear for the ceremony, you should assist with matters related to renting a tuxedo, such as convincing him to buy one instead. A tailored evening suit is more physically and mentally comfortable than a rental tux that has serially endured the stresses of prom-night frottage.

Advertisement

At the rehearsal, the bride and groom will merely be practicing their wedding-day roles, but you are debuting your award-winning performance as a local celebrity, a host of honor, and a troubleshooter of all trades. If the wedding is at a vineyard, and if in the vineyard there are snakes, then you will drive out the snakes as discreetly as possible. Flirt with the mother of the bride and any other mother who wants to be flirted with. Build a rapport with the wedding planner. And always and forever OBEY THE BRIDE.

As the rehearsal shades into the rehearsal dinner, leap to address hassles as they arise, like giving directions to the groom’s Nebraskan cousins, who know neither where they are nor how to use Google Maps. Your job is to take some weight off the groom’s shoulders—weight, and dandruff. Stand ready to serve as a valet, a body man, and a personal groomer; the most complete best man tool kit would include a lint brush, a hotel sewing kit, a wine key, a black pen for signing the wedding certificate, backup copies of any original vows or unoriginal Pablo Neruda readings, and a pill case stocked with Altoids and beta blockers.

During and after the rehearsal dinner, begin to scout a suitable venue for the post-reception after-party, be it a sports bar with outdoor seating or a hotel room shared by young colleagues of the groom, provided they demonstrated great talent for rocking out at the bachelor party.

On the day of the wedding, get the groom to the venue on time. Curry favor with the DJ or the band during setup. Deal with the boutonnières. Escort the maid of honor down the aisle. Stand up straight. Grin and bear it through the photo sessions and then deliver to the newlyweds a plate of hors d’oeuvres or at least a stiff drink as they suffer a more protracted ordeal in front of the wedding photographer, who is hard at work stealing the souls that the officiant has so lovingly joined together.

At the reception, deliver a succinct, family-friendly toast and raise a glass to the bride. Do not raise your glass too frequently for a while thereafter: You need a clear head to achieve your dual purpose of ensuring that the bride and groom have the happiest time possible and raising the general level of the party. Your duties may involve delivering checks to vendors, organizing groomsmen to waylay belligerent uncles, and stopping the Electric Slide before it starts. If you see the bride trying to lift a case of wine or anything else heavier than her bouquet, respond by saying, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nooooo.” Make small talk with everyone who seems interesting and when they start being uninteresting, exit the conversation by making a vague reference to your special obligations.

TODAY IN SLATE

Doublex

Crying Rape

False rape accusations exist, and they are a serious problem.

Scotland Is Just the Beginning. Expect More Political Earthquakes in Europe.

No, New York Times, Shonda Rhimes Is Not an “Angry Black Woman” 

Brow Beat
Sept. 19 2014 1:39 PM Shonda Rhimes Is Not an “Angry Black Woman,” New York Times. Neither Are Her Characters.

The Music Industry Is Ignoring Some of the Best Black Women Singing R&B

How Will You Carry Around Your Huge New iPhone? Apple Pants!

Medical Examiner

The Most Terrifying Thing About Ebola 

The disease threatens humanity by preying on humanity.

Television

The Other Huxtable Effect

Thirty years ago, The Cosby Show gave us one of TV’s great feminists.

There’s a Way to Keep Ex-Cons Out of Prison That Pays for Itself. Why Don’t More States Use It?

Why Men Can Never Remember Anything

The XX Factor
Sept. 19 2014 1:11 PM Why Men Can Never Remember Anything
Behold
Sept. 19 2014 11:33 AM An Up-Close Look at the U.S.–Mexico Border
  News & Politics
Foreigners
Sept. 19 2014 1:56 PM Scotland’s Attack on the Status Quo Expect more political earthquakes across Europe.
  Business
Moneybox
Sept. 19 2014 3:24 PM Why Innovators Hate MBAs
  Life
Inside Higher Ed
Sept. 19 2014 1:34 PM Empty Seats, Fewer Donors? College football isn’t attracting the audience it used to.
  Double X
The XX Factor
Sept. 19 2014 3:07 PM Everything Is a "Women's Issue"
  Slate Plus
Slate Picks
Sept. 19 2014 12:00 PM What Happened at Slate This Week? The Slatest editor tells us to read well-informed skepticism, media criticism, and more.
  Arts
Brow Beat
Sept. 19 2014 4:03 PM Kern Your Enthusiasm: The Ubiquity of Gotham
  Technology
Future Tense
Sept. 19 2014 12:38 PM Forward, March! Nine leading climate scientists urge you to attend the People’s Climate March.
  Health & Science
Medical Examiner
Sept. 19 2014 12:13 PM The Most Terrifying Thing About Ebola  The disease threatens humanity by preying on humanity.
  Sports
Sports Nut
Sept. 18 2014 11:42 AM Grandmaster Clash One of the most amazing feats in chess history just happened, and no one noticed.