Entry 3:

Yo Doug,

I can no longer drink coffee. I've gone back to Maxim, available only in special locals because Proctor & Gamble seems to be cutting it loose. I buy it in Vermont and ferry it back to Florida. Cafe-bought coffee has become too intimidating for me. I panic in Starbucks.

But this opens up a fascinating topic: the branding of fluids. Whoda thunk that you could brand tap water? I think that Evian campaign with the chick (whoops, young lady) bathing in Evian (why are the bottles in the ad half full?), the bartender shaking Evian like it was a martini, the goldfish swimming in Evian--what advertising genius! Do you know the campaign? This stuff is elixir, water as tonic, modern Eucharist Talk about adding meaning to a totally interchangeable product. This is advertising Valhalla.

So if you can do this nonsense with coffee and tap water--and now you can see it happening with tea--what happened to Borden's, the brander of milk? Now this is probably before your time, Doug, but Elsie the Cow was right up there with the Jolly Green Giant and Tony the Tiger. Then ... splat, she became glue.

I'm sure there is a reason for this, a reason that is covered in your first class of Marketing 101, but I wonder: Can milk be re-branded? I mean ice cream, a particularly noxious combination of naughty cream and awful sugar, gets taken to the brand cleaners, returning as Ben & Jerry's complete with all kinds of "let's be friends" nonsense. So why not milk?

Don't tell me that the "Got Milk?" campaign does this. I mean that's an "eat nuts" campaign. I thought in advertising you don't want to sell the generic, you want to sell the brand; you don't want to sell computer chips, you want to sell Intel; you don't sell biscuits, you sell Ritz; not nuts, Planters. Not moo juice but some brand.

OK, here's a terrible confession: I don't listen to music. It's easier for me to say that than to confess to my Beach Boys, Lovin' Spoonful, Mammas and Pappas affliction. Oh, and country music, which seems to address all pressing problems.

And about the car. I traded in the Miata for a ... BMW. The question is not will I burn in hell, it's will I be able to burn and drink Evian.

Hurry up with the Times. You are getting close to golf time. The other thing I like about the Times is the little agate ads on the first page. Sometimes they are interesting. It's the Times' tribute to advertising history. I guess.

Best,

Jim