Weapons of Mass Destruction Ain't Rocket Science

Merrill Markoe and Todd Hanson

Weapons of Mass Destruction Ain't Rocket Science

Merrill Markoe and Todd Hanson

Weapons of Mass Destruction Ain't Rocket Science
An email conversation about the news of the day.
Nov. 18 1999 4:58 PM

Merrill Markoe and Todd Hanson

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Dear Merrill--

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OK, I bought new copies of the papers, and I'm wearing the right pants. Here's a headline from the Times again: "U.S. Thinks Iraq Is Rebuilding Ruined Military Sites." As we used to say in the third grade, back when I was wearing Keds for Kids and a Star Wars T-shirt and sobbing on the playground because the other kids were all pelting me with dodge balls, "well, ah-doy..." Since when has the military dictatorship there done anything else? I mean, that's literally all they do, they've got all their eggs in one basket, so to speak. Amass weapons, subjugate the populace into obeisance with weapons, and when somebody comes along and blows up his weapons, well, one just has to keep one's chin up, look on the bright side, and start over again from the top. Get right back on the old horse there, champ, and keep at it. Hussein decided long ago to sort of put the various other subtle, more nuanced aspects of running a country on the back burner, if you will, and just kind of focus on one specific area of approach. Do what you're good at (kind of like the way the Markoe family dogs focus their energies on eating food). And why is he so good at it? Because, like many evil dictators, he learned from the absolute best: los Federales de Los Estados Unidos, as the good ol' boys in the expertly trained death squads of Central America like to affectionately call them. Again, hardly a brilliant observation on my part, but then again, how smart do you really need to be to get the general gist of this sort of thing? After all, this is chemical weapons of mass destruction, not rocket science.

Of course gay weddings should be legal. After all, gay luxury tropical cruises are, and although I've never experienced either of the two, luxury tropical cruises must be at least as difficult to endure as the institution of marriage is. Lesbians in particular, from what I've observed, seem to have a particular knack for it (staying married, I mean, not enduring ocean-liner dream vacations). And of course Moesha was taking diuretics. I may live in Wisconsin, but that much was obvious immediately, hence my anecdote about how she was worried that she wasn't pretty enough. News flash to Moesha: There may be many things that you are not, but pretty isn't one of them. So stop taking the diet pills. I want to propose something (all the people freaking out about gay marriage in the "Fray" section should particularly consider redirecting your energies into this one): Let's start a national e-mailing campaign, spearheaded by Slate, into letting Moesha know that, yes, she is indeed pretty enough. Here's a suggested sample wording:

Dear Moesha--

I think you are pretty. So does everybody else. In fact, you are an internationally famous Pretty-Person. Some people may not like your show, or your singing, or your psycho-murderer horror movie, but nobody, anywhere in the whole world, doesn't think you are pretty. Therefore, please never think that you aren't pretty enough ever again.

Sincerely,
(your name).

P.S.: I loved the episode wear you learned the important lesson about not being afraid to wear glasses.

What do you say? Think we can get Gates to bankroll this? It's for a good cause, and he needs some good P.R. right now.

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Love,
Todd

Merrill Markoe is a humorist and a former writer for Late Night With David Letterman. She is the author of Merrill Markoe's Guide to Love (clickhereto buy it). An accomplished dishwasher, floor-mopper, and cash-register clerk, Todd Hanson is head writer forThe Onion. Our Dumb Century, by the staff of The Onion, was recently awarded the Thurber Prize for American Humor (clickhereto buy it).