Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers a few additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.
Q. Pothole apologies: My partner and I recently got into a dispute. He thinks I should apologize every time I hit a pothole while driving his car. I don’t see the need, at least not every time.
It’s the first car he’s bought on his own, and it is still relatively new. The city where we live has potholes everywhere and of all sizes. It would be relatively difficult to make a trip without hitting one. He understands that the roads are terrible and that it’s impossible to avoid them forever, but he says it’s about respect and would like me to say sorry anyway.
It’s not like I’m aiming for these things, and I generally do apologize for the unavoidable larger ones. When I suggested that I only drive when we take my car he claims I’m just being difficult to avoid giving in. Should I apologize for hitting any and all potholes?
A: Drive as safely as you can, avoid potholes whenever possible, and only apologize if you see your passengers hitting the roof or losing teeth. A mere unavoidable jostle does not merit an apology; your focus should be on the road, which is apparently extremely dangerous where you live.
Q. Not the big Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly nine months. I am in my early 20s and this is my first “serious” relationship. I am currently going to school four hours away, so we’ve been long-distance for more than half of our time together. In May I am graduating, and with no plans or prospects other than striking out on my own and getting a job, I’m planning on moving closer to him.
I don’t think he realizes that he’s the main reason I am moving there (he lives a town over from my family). We have never really discussed our future, because he never brings it up and I am terrified of freaking him out. But I love him (something I’ve never had the guts to admit because it was why he broke up with his previous girlfriend) and see a future for us. How can I bring this up without sounding like I want a marriage proposal? I want to be able to discuss what he envisions versus what I envision for our future.
A: Tell him you love him and that you’d like to stop dating long-distance and live closer to one another. This is relevant information that he should have, and it’s clearly not a request for an engagement. Find the guts; borrow them if you haven’t any. It will do neither of you any good if you move to be closer to him while pretending it’s simply a coincidence. If he doesn’t love you back, it’s better to find out now, rather than after you’ve put down a security deposit.
