As we wade forth into the holiday season, our hearts turn to sprawling family dinners, and that means our hearts turn to meat. More precisely, our hearts turn to great foaming pools of saturated fats, and for most Americans this presents a monster health problem. Enter the burgeoning fake meat industry, which is more than willing to load your table down with mock chickens, fake bacons, and bogus beef. For anyone trying to cut back on his consumption of the real thing for health, moral, or religious reasons, this season is as good a time as any to explore the vegetarian (and often dairy-free, lactose-free, non-genetically modified) alternatives.
The trick is, as I quickly learned, not to explore all of them at once. While some fake meat products are in fact pretty tasty, attempting to eat 13 of them at one sitting is an activity best undertaken with a fake stomach. Inspired by a groundbreaking "Shopping" column by James Fallows titled "Booze You Can Use," I chose to serve up a whole cornucopia of fake meat products to friends at one sitting. As one would at a wine tasting, we served up three "flights" of food groups—the brownish "pig" products, the beige "beef" products, and the beiger "poultry" products—and asked five friends, foodies all, to participate. Most of the foods came from local health food and specialty shops, although a few of the more exotic items were purchased online. (This site appears to be the mother lode for fake meat ordering purposes.)
Less than a third of the way through the fake pig course it became evident that one should never serve fake meats to real friends. Never was a salad more cherished or appreciated than our "between flight" side salad was. People actually fought over the last cherry tomatoes in the vain hope of filling up on something not made of twisted, colored gluten. What is wheat gluten, you ask, and did it ever know love? Click
Nevertheless, results were collected and collated on highly scientific charts, which measured each product for taste, similarity to the real meat it purported to be, and consistency. And for those of you interested in serving one or two meat substitutes amid a large and varied meal of other, real foods, the results here may prove useful. For the record: The folks who attended my dinner will likely never eat any of these products again.
Flight 1: The "Pigs" in the Poke Since it made some sort of chronological sense to do so, we opened with the breakfast-type-products: phony bacons and sausages. The first was Morningstar Farms' Breakfast Links, a product that I confess to having already had in my freezer and enjoyed on the occasional Sunday morning with eggs. The panel's comments on the taste of this product ranged widely from "dry" to "dog food" to "mild but satisfying" and "liked the spicy kick." While none of the tasters but one found any similarity between the taste of the fake links and real ones, several noted that the links do visually resemble the real thing. Oddly, fake food engineers seem moved to replicate either taste or appearance, but rarely both.
Better all-around ratings went to Boca Sausages, which both looked and tasted, to one taster, "just like kielbasa!" "I would be fooled," said another, and "perfect for Polish vegans!" Overall, these fared best of all the piglike products. Proving that the same company can both get it and blow it in the mock-pork phylum, the third product,Boca Breakfast Links were consistently ranked lowest among testers, both in taste and appearance. "Dog food," "utter failure," and various unprintable references to fecal materials were offered.
The three fake bacon products were also rated on taste and appearance, starting with Morningstar Farms'Breakfast Strips, which bear a rather distressing resemblance to something Play-Doh might have generated in its Fuzzy Pumper Barber and Beauty Shop, in that they are engineered with a strip of fake white pig fat down the centers. Tasters able to get beyond the appearance all noted that this product did have a salty, smoky taste, although several complained that the taste faded quickly to something like cardboard. One consistent comparison was to potato chips, although one generous taster likened it to turkey bacon. The second baconlike product, Yves' Canadian Veggie Bacon fared poorly in comparison, generating lots of comparisons to "fake bologna," "drain stoppers," and "rubber novelty meat." Interestingly, two tasters found the chewy consistency quite marvelous, while one celebrated its blandness with the words "tastes just like Canada." Lightlife's Smart Bacon was the final entry in the bacons category and was universally ranked even lower than the others, with comments ranging from "run away" to "Stupid Bacon …"
Perhaps the greatest disappointment in the fake pig flight, however, came with the delicious-smelling, gorgeously textured fake ribs. Made by Harvest Direct, the Veggie Ribs come as a bag of white powder that might easily be confused for "veggie talcum" or "veggie cocaine." One mixes the powder with tahini or peanut butter, molds them into riblike statuary, bakes, and then slathers them in a delicious store-bought chemical-laden barbecue sauce. The smell was staggeringly intense, and all the tasters regained their initial enthusiasm for the dinner party as we pulled these ribs out of the oven. Sadly, all the barbecue sauce in the land couldn't make these ribs taste like anything more than veggie talcum, and the panelists agreed that both in taste and texture the ribs were "bland and mushy" and "bread-like, no similarity to ribs," with several comparisons made to rubber-soled sneakers, and someone pointing out the urgent need for a plastic bone inside.
In all, the consensus on the pig flight was that the sausage alternatives beat the bacon alternatives hands down, and that if you're looking for ribs, Kansas City is still a better choice than Berkeley.
|Thebrown pig products|
|Breakfast Links||Generally positive, somewhat like real meat||2|
|Boca Sausages||Extremely positive; garnered raves||1|
|Boca Breakfast Links||Not much nice was said||5|
|Breakfast Strips||Some resemblance to bacon; some complaints of saltiness||4|
|Canadian Veggie Bacon||Universally deemed "tasteless"||6|
|Smart Bacon||Also deemed tasteless||7|
|Most testers enjoyed the accompanying barbecue sauce||3|
TODAY IN SLATE
Smash and Grab
Will competitive Senate contests in Kansas and South Dakota lead to more late-breaking races in future elections?
I Am 25. I Don’t Work at Facebook. My Doctors Want Me to Freeze My Eggs.
Republicans Want the Government to Listen to the American Public on Ebola. That’s a Horrible Idea.
The Most Ingenious Teaching Device Ever Invented
Tom Hanks Has a Short Story in the New Yorker. It’s Not Good.
Marvel’s Civil War Is a Far-Right Paranoid Fantasy
It’s also a mess. Can the movies do better?