Our Marlboro man tests the top stop-smoking products. 

I have smoked a pack a day for about 15 years. I began with Camel straights, moved to Camel Filters, switched to Marlboro reds, and then to Camel Lights, which I've smoked regularly for the past 10 years or so.

This is not a good thing. Smoking kills you. No, honestly, it does. For years I treated this as a joke. Someone would mention the deleterious effects of smoking and I would pretend to be shocked and begin to cite evidence from the now defunct Tobacco Institute, which argued that there was no proof that cigarettes were harmful. For years I labored under the impression that this was clever.

But a few months back I decided that not only should I quit smoking, but that I should get someone else to pay for it. Slate kindly agreed and I went shopping for the best way to quit, starting with the oldest cure, hypnotism, and working my way through nicotine substitutes before consuming the new, high-performance tobacco-busting pharmaceuticals.

Hypnotism
Hypnotists charge between $110 and $350 a session to help smokers stop. After interviewing a few, I settled on a nice-sounding lady who works out of her apartment and claims success rates of 60 percent to 70 percent after two or three $110 sessions.

We began with the general questions. How much did I know about hypnotism? Was I frightened of being hypnotized? Then, to test my susceptibility to hypnosis, she had me raise my arms to shoulder level and then bend my elbows at 90 degrees with my palms facing each other. She told me to imagine a current or a thread connecting my hands together. During this hand-jive she spoke in a soothing and encouraging tone of voice.

Think about your hands coming together, she said. Don't actually move them—just think about it, feel the connection between your palms pulling your hands together. Was I supposed to be using The Force? Then my hands began to slowly move together through no volition of my own except that I was thinking about it. My hypnotist praised me and said I was highly susceptible to hypnosis. I suspected as much, given that I am easily swayed by suggestion. I can't help it. I'm a victim.

Relax, she said, using that soothing voice. Relax, starting from your toes and work through to all of your muscles. Then she began to talk to my right hand. That's right, she talked to the hand, quizzing it through a lengthy series of yes/no questions. This went on for a while, until my interrogated hand indicated that part of me wanted to quit smoking, but part of me didn't.

While under hypnosis, I felt conscious and in control. I could have stood up and walked out of the room at any time, but I chose not to. Was I hypnotized or just pretending to be hypnotized? At what point does pretending something is happening inside your mind cross over into something actually happening inside your mind?

At session's end I lit a cigarette as I walked down the steps.

Session 2 started the same as Session 1: We free-associated about smoking, relaxed my muscles, and chitchatted with my hand. Then she told me to imagine a room where I felt extremely safe and comfortable, decorating it however I wished. I went with a London men's club leather chair thing with a fireplace, a few bookcases, and a buffet. I've never been to a London men's club, but I imagine I would feel safe in one. She then instigated a conversation among the different levels of my psyche about why I smoked, why I wanted to quit, and why I didn't.