What's the best way to mow your face? 

No chore pains me more than shaving. Best-case scenario: clean shave. And then I do it again tomorrow. Worst-case scenario: severed artery. And then I hope I can do it again tomorrow, God willing. Middling- and most-common-case scenario: redness; irritation; blade-evading straggle whiskers; nicks; outright cuts; full-on gashes; and ... I still have to do it again tomorrow.

In hopes of easing this horrific burden, I sought out the perfect, or, barring that, least awful shaving method. I enlisted friends and colleagues in the search. I shaved a lot. Herewith, my findings. Products are ranked, within each category, from first to worst: shaving right to raving shite.

Electrics

1. Panasonic ES727 Wet/Dry Double Blade ($77.95)

2. Grundig Pro Avantgarde ($244.95)

3. Remington M-2820 MicroScreen Intercept ($89.95)

4. Braun Flex Integral 6515 ($97.95)

5. Norelco 5615X Advantage Wet/Dry ($109.95)

All electric razors warn that, if you've been shaving with a blade, it takes 21-30 days for you to "adjust." Remington says it's to "find the optimum shaving method for your particular beard type." (This time period closely corresponds with the warranty length, but let's assume good intentions for now.) I simply didn't have a month to spend with each razor. Only a few days. Question my methodology if you must, but ask yourself: Can you afford a month of razor burn as down payment on a shaving Shangri-La that may never transpire? Here are the results you'll get if, like me, you don't have time to wait:

Bad, bad results.