The Tragic Extinction of Pubic Lice

Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
Jan. 14 2013 3:33 PM

Pubic Lice in Crisis

The timeline of a crotch catastrophe.

Pubic louse close up.
Pubic louse close up.

Courtesy CDC.

Jan. 13, 2013: Bloomberg reports that pubic lice are on the wane worldwide, as young people become increasingly likely to remove some or all of their pubic hair. “Pubic grooming has led to a severe depletion of crab louse populations,” says entomologist Ian F. Burgess. “Add to that other aspects of body hair depilation, and you can see an environmental disaster in the making for this species.”

Dan Kois Dan Kois

Dan Kois is Slate's culture editor and a contributing writer to the New York Times Magazine.

Jan. 15, 2013: The World Wildlife Fund  confirms that the pubic louse, Phthirus pubis, is on its watch list of threatened species. “This animal’s habitat is being shorn away, one Brazilian wax at a time,” the agency’s press release notes.

Feb. 1, 2013: Researchers at the University of North Carolina report the results of a 10-year study. The data suggest that pubic lice are on the verge of a catastrophic species collapse of the sort that hasn’t been seen in millions of years. Says one scientist: “Pubic lice are the dinosaurs, and Sex and the City was the asteroid.”

March 14, 2013: Greenpeace launches its Save the Lice campaign. T-shirts reading PLEASE DON’T SHAVE MY HOME and featuring the organization’s trademarked character Larry the Louse, grow in popularity on college campuses.

April 10, 2013: In a historic move, the EPA officially places Phthirus pubis on the endangered species list. “Americans must reforest their nether regions,” an agency spokesman says at a press briefing, explaining that pubic louse is basically extinct outside hardy colonies in the Pacific Northwest, Vermont, and Berkeley.

Advertisement

April 16, 2013: The National Zoo announces a $6.2 million pubic lice breeding program. Eight hundred mating pairs are secured from Ralph Schumacher, a zoo visitor from Milwaukee. A hastily erected exhibit, which features unclothed models lounging around a precise re-creation of a 1970s New York apartment, quickly eclipses the giant pandas as the zoo’s most popular. Tragically, the entire breeding stock is lost when the models book a calendar shoot.

May 30, 2013: With the pubic louse exploding in popularity if not prevalence, the Obama administration comes under heavy pressure from environmental groups to regulate genital waxing. New guidelines from the administration limit waxing to no more than 60 percent of extant pubic hair, and requires aestheticians to replant hair in areas of former clear-cutting. The outcry from salons is sharp and immediate. “What’s more important?” asks the head of the Aesthetics International Association. “American lice, or American jobs?”

June 1, 2013: Lena Dunham appears in a coy online PSA urging a “return to the bush years.” Public response is bitterly divided. Slate’s Brow Beat declares the ad “an artistic and pubic triumph.”

June 8, 2013: A pubic louse appears on the cover of Time with the headline “The New Spotted Owl?” The issue also features a theological survey, “What Would Jesus Do (about Pubic Lice)?”

June 14, 2013: PETA infiltrates the J Sisters salon on West 57th Street in Manhattan, covering the elegant waiting room with red, spray-painted graffiti. CROTCH GENOCIDE, reads one message. WAX IS MURDER, reads another.

June 17, 2013: Anne Josephson, a waxer in St, Paul, Minn., loses a finger when she attempts to wax a mons pubis that has been “spiked” with a tiny explosive charge. Porn stars and congressional Republicans decry the “eco-pubic-terrorists.”

July 28, 2013: The EPA announces that the world’s last wild pubic lice have been located in Schenectady, N.Y., on the crotch of florist Jessica Fletcher-Boomhauer. “The long-term prognosis for this species is grim,” notes an agency spokesman. “Ms. Fletcher-Boomhauer says she has sworn off the dating scene, because, quote, ‘Dudes are garbage.’ ”

Aug. 15, 2013: The world’s last pubic louse dies in captivity at the National Zoo’s Conservation Biology Institute in Front Royal, Va. “Even the smallest creatures deserve to live,” says Bob Smith, the keeper present as the louse expired. “All he wanted to do was crawl around your private parts and bite you over and over again.”

TODAY IN SLATE

Doublex

Crying Rape

False rape accusations exist, and they are a serious problem.

Scotland Votes to Remain in U.K.

There’s a Way to Keep Ex-Cons Out of Prison That Pays for Itself. Why Don’t More States Use It?

The Music Industry Is Ignoring Some of the Best Black Women Singing R&B

Can Democrats Keep Counting on Republicans to Offend Women as a Campaign Strategy?

Culturebox

Theo’s Joint and Vanessa’s Whiskey

No sitcom did the “Very Special Episode” as well as The Cosby Show.

Television

The Other Huxtable Effect

Thirty years ago, The Cosby Show gave us one of TV’s great feminists.

Cliff Huxtable Explains the World: Five Lessons From TV’s Greatest Dad

Why Television Needs a New Cosby Show Right Now

  News & Politics
The World
Sept. 19 2014 11:36 AM Breaking Up Countries Is Still Hard to Do
  Business
Business Insider
Sept. 19 2014 11:37 AM Why Urban Outfitters and Other Brands Troll Their Customers
  Life
Lexicon Valley
Sept. 19 2014 11:32 AM Why Do Pirates Talk Like That?
  Double X
The XX Factor
Sept. 19 2014 11:33 AM Planned Parenthood Is About to Make It a Lot Easier to Get Birth Control
  Slate Plus
Behind the Scenes
Sept. 18 2014 1:23 PM “It’s Not Every Day That You Can Beat the World Champion” An exclusive interview with chess grandmaster Fabiano Caruana.
  Arts
Behold
Sept. 19 2014 11:51 AM This Is All That’s Left of New York’s Once-Thriving Borscht Belt 
  Technology
Future Tense
Sept. 19 2014 11:40 AM Apple Invented the Perfect Way to Handle Your Giant New Phone
  Health & Science
Bad Astronomy
Sept. 19 2014 11:33 AM The Curious Incident of the Supernova in the Nighttime
  Sports
Sports Nut
Sept. 18 2014 11:42 AM Grandmaster Clash One of the most amazing feats in chess history just happened, and no one noticed.