My beauty pageant nightmare.

Humiliating myself for fun and profit.
July 9 2004 9:34 AM

Tiaras of a Clown

I'm the only contestant in the Mrs. Washington, D.C., pageant. Can I find a way to lose it?

(Continued from Page 3)

I called Laurett and thanked her for an amazing experience and the fantastic job she did, then I told her I was resigning as Mrs. Washington, D.C. I'd had a shorter, but happier, reign than that of Anne Boleyn. "Really?" she said, then got off the phone, explaining she was in the middle of something. Maybe she was going to prepare a lawsuit. The next day she called me back. I have made many people happy by walking out of their lives but none so much as Laurett. She sounded thrilled about the whole turn of events. She told me I had been a good sport, that she was working on a likely replacement, and that I had to return the crown.

During my interviews with the judges, one had asked what my daughter thought of my being in a pageant.

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"She says I should do what I want to do," I'd said. "But she thinks what you look like is not very important."

"You have a smart daughter," said the judge.

"I do," I said.

Is there something you've always wanted to do but were too scared or embarrassed to try? Ask the Human Guinea Pig to do it for you. E-mail me your ideas at guineapig@slate.com.

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