I called Laurett and thanked her for an amazing experience and the fantastic job she did, then I told her I was resigning as Mrs. Washington, D.C. I'd had a shorter, but happier, reign than that of Anne Boleyn. "Really?" she said, then got off the phone, explaining she was in the middle of something. Maybe she was going to prepare a lawsuit. The next day she called me back. I have made many people happy by walking out of their lives but none so much as Laurett. She sounded thrilled about the whole turn of events. She told me I had been a good sport, that she was working on a likely replacement, and that I had to return the crown.
During my interviews with the judges, one had asked what my daughter thought of my being in a pageant.
"She says I should do what I want to do," I'd said. "But she thinks what you look like is not very important."
"You have a smart daughter," said the judge.
"I do," I said.
Is there something you've always wanted to do but were too scared or embarrassed to try? Ask the Human Guinea Pig to do it for you. E-mail me your ideas at email@example.com.
TODAY IN SLATE
The Most Terrifying Thing About Ebola
The disease threatens humanity by preying on humanity.
I Bought the Huge iPhone. I’m Already Thinking of Returning It.
Scotland Is Just the Beginning. Expect More Political Earthquakes in Europe.
Students Aren’t Going to College Football Games as Much Anymore
And schools are getting worried.
Two Damn Good, Very Different Movies About Soldiers Returning From War
Lifetime Didn’t Think the Steubenville Rape Case Was Dramatic Enough
So they added a little self-immolation.