I try an Internet get-rich-quick scheme.

"Well, I wanted to talk to you in person," I said. "And now that I have you on the phone, let's talk about this exciting business offer!" I couldn't believe how smooth I was—"this exciting business offer" wasn't even in the training manual script.

"Let's not," said the shipping manager.

I decided to try catalog companies. The first one I called, for a company that sells stylish clothes for women who prefer elastic waistbands, actually put me through right away to the shipping manager. I gave my spiel.

"We have a company that audits all misdeliveries and late deliveries," he said.

"You do?" I said. Could it be that Refund Recovery was a legitimate business? Could Dallas college student George Milovic have gotten here first?

"Yes. It's a download that goes straight to them. We're very happy with it."

"Really?"

I managed to ask him the name of this wonderful service, but he didn't know, and the guy who did was away. I hung up with a new sense of purpose, which was quickly shattered by all subsequent phone calls.

"We don't do a lot of shipping. What we do we have no problem with, so I don't know where you got your information." Click.

"I handle all that, but thanks for calling." Click.

"If things are late, we let them know, and they don't charge us." Click.