"Well, I wanted to talk to you in person," I said. "And now that I have you on the phone, let's talk about this exciting business offer!" I couldn't believe how smooth I was—"this exciting business offer" wasn't even in the training manual script.
"Let's not," said the shipping manager.
I decided to try catalog companies. The first one I called, for a company that sells stylish clothes for women who prefer elastic waistbands, actually put me through right away to the shipping manager. I gave my spiel.
"We have a company that audits all misdeliveries and late deliveries," he said.
"You do?" I said. Could it be that Refund Recovery was a legitimate business? Could Dallas college student George Milovic have gotten here first?
"Yes. It's a download that goes straight to them. We're very happy with it."
I managed to ask him the name of this wonderful service, but he didn't know, and the guy who did was away. I hung up with a new sense of purpose, which was quickly shattered by all subsequent phone calls.
"We don't do a lot of shipping. What we do we have no problem with, so I don't know where you got your information." Click.
"I handle all that, but thanks for calling." Click.
"If things are late, we let them know, and they don't charge us." Click.
TODAY IN SLATE
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The Most Ingenious Teaching Device Ever Invented
Sprawl, Decadence, and Environmental Ruin in Nevada
You Should Be Able to Sell Your Kidney
Or at least trade it for something.
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An All-Female Mission to Mars
As a NASA guinea pig, I verified that women would be cheaper to launch than men.